


Another Hesitation Ramification

by Daedaleopsis



Category: The Big Bang Theory (TV)
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-04-11
Updated: 2015-04-11
Packaged: 2018-03-22 07:44:00
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 25
Words: 41,687
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3720718
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Daedaleopsis/pseuds/Daedaleopsis
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sheldon has always said that Penny and Leonard's relationship was a mistake. How will he react when he learns that Leonard couldn't accept Penny's proposal?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Disclaimer: The Big Bang Theory isn't mine; it belongs to CBS, Chuck Lorre, Bill Prady, etc.  
> Cross-posted on Fanfiction.net.  
> This first chapter was originally a one-shot, but it turned into a 25-chapter story when lots of readers begged me to continue the story!

Leonard had just finished telling his roommate about how Penny had proposed, and how he didn't say yes. He was feeling depressed, unsure if their relationship was over.

Sheldon awkwardly patted his friend's shoulder. "I'm sorry, Leonard."

Leonard squinted up at him disbelievingly. "That's it? You're not gonna make some dumb joke or inappropriate comment?"

"No, Leonard. In the past, I've made no secret of the fact that I don't think the two of you are good for each other. Yet I want you to know that when I had heard that you and Penny had initiated your 'beta test' that I had a conversation with her."

Leonard groaned aloud. "What did you say to her?"

"I told her, don't hurt my friend."

"Oh. Wow, Sheldon... I had no idea. That... that was actually a really nice thing to do," Leonard noted, the surprise evident in his voice.

"The problem with your relationship, Leonard-" At this, Leonard groaned again and buried his head in his hands.

"-is that you have been in love with Penny for a long time, without ever really asking yourself if you liked her. When you looked at her, all you saw was how beautiful she was. You never considered her core personality traits, probably because they don't suit your own temperament. Your relationship started because she felt sorry for you, and you capitalized on those feelings to strengthen the emotional ties between you. Eventually, when her self-esteem hit a low point, you were able to swoop in. Your attention made her feel good about herself, but then her sense of worth became enmeshed in a destructive relationship. Instead of working hard to accomplish her dreams, she just tried to convince herself that you were all she needed to be fulfilled in life."

"Now your relationship has progressed to the point where her reaching for her dreams threatens your relationship, since it may bolster her self-esteem to the point where she might realize that the two of you shouldn't be together. She had the strength to do it once before, and she could do so again. So when she suffered a setback, you were quick to undermine her confidence. And when she finally felt she had nothing good left in her life but you, you turned her down. I don't know what your end game is, Leonard, but I must say, you are quite the evil genius. For myself, I must say that while I do not love Penny, I like her too much to treat her that way."

Leonard was staring at his roommate, mouth agape. "That's not- I don't- where are you even getting all this psychological bullshit?"

Sheldon raised his chin defiantly. "I have agreed to read one magazine per month in the 'softer sciences' of neurology and psychology. In exchange, she has agreed to read one magazine in the field of particle or theoretical physics in the same timeframe. It gives us something to talk about on date nights. While I still have no respect for the biological sciences, never let it be said that Sheldon Cooper cannot psychoanalyze with the best of them." With that, Sheldon swept off, leaving his roommate to wonder if he had accidentally stumbled into an episode of the Twilight Zone.

In the middle of the night, Sheldon tossed and turned in his sleep. He was having a very vivid dream which was about to cast some light on certain aspects of his life. In his dream, he was lying on a steel table, strapped down with restraints. He looked down and began to sweat when he saw that below the neck, he was a furry black and white capuchin monkey. He cast an apprehensive glance upward and almost shrieked in alarm. A giant-sized Amy towered above him. She was clad in a white lab coat, and she held a scalpel in one hand and a pair of tweezers in another.

"Just a little bit more..." she was saying as the tweezers dipped down and disappeared above his line of sight.

"Amy, what are you doing?" he cried fearfully.

"I've finally figured out the way to turn you into a normal boyfriend," Amy replied happily. As she spoke, she held up a hand to reveal a miniature TARDIS clasped in her tweezers. "This definitely has to go. And this, too," she added after a pause, holding up a tiny Enterprise.

"No! Not Spock! Amy, you have to stop!" Sheldon begged.

She looked at him quizzically. "You're not making logical sense, Sheldon. All I have to do is remove the parts of you that stand in the way of our relationship, and then we'll both... be so... happy together." She was struggling with something, yanking harder and then putting her foot up on the edge of the table for leverage.

"Amy, you must cease this nonsense at once," Sheldon ordered, trying for a stern and commanding tone of voice.

Instead of replying, she gave a final tug, and then held up a model of a bacterium with a wide grin. "Ha! We're getting closer. This is your germ phobia."

"Why are you doing this? I thought you were fond of me," he said, trying another tack.

"Fond of you? Sheldon, I love you. I've loved you for a very long time. Now, if you'll just stop squirming around, I think I can finally reach this last obstacle."

Sheldon struggled harder, but his small form was no match for the tight bands holding him fast. It seemed that Amy was deep inside the recesses of his mind now, and she was glaring ferociously as she jerked and worried at whatever it was she had found. With one final heave, she tumbled backward onto the floor, but the scowl on her face indicated that she had not been successful.

Instead, a holographic recording projected from his brain into the air above him. Both he and Amy could see it quite clearly. It was a memory from almost a year ago, when Amy had been trying to "cure" him of his need for closure. She stopped winding a jack-in-the-box toy before it popped up, sang all but the last few words of a song, and prevented an elaborate domino set-up from completely tumbling over. When she presented Sheldon with a mock birthday cake and then blocked him from blowing out the candles, he had had enough. In his frustration, he growled that he wished she were dead. Then the scene moved forward, speeding past Sheldon's trickery to get rid of Amy. He completed all the tasks Amy had interrupted. Then, Penny stuck her head in the door and told Sheldon that she loved him. He replied, "I love you too" in a voice that was somehow preternaturally amplified. The words echoed off of the steel-topped table, the linoleum floor, and the neat rows of cabinetry in the lab.

With a shriek of rage, Amy began to grow larger and larger until her head pushed up the ceiling tiles.

"No! You're mine! You love me! I will make you love me!" She began slashing away at his head with wild swings. Although it didn't hurt, Sheldon could feel his mind and soul slipping away under the onslaught. Then Amy, eyes glowing red, raised the scalpel in a two-handed grip and brought it down aimed directly at his heart.

Sheldon sat bolt upright in bed, the echoes of his screams fading from the room.

A soft rapping noise intruded into Penny's slumbering unconsciousness. She rolled over, taking half the covers with her as she sighed and opened her eyes. She shrieked at the sight of her quirky next door neighbor looming over her bed.

"Sheldon, what the hell! You scared me! What are you doing here?"

"I had to talk to you," he blurted out.

"At 2:16 in the morning?" she moaned, after glancing at her Hello Kitty alarm clock.

"Actually, yes. Tomorrow may be too late. Tonight is the only time I could be assured of having a private conversation with you."

"Fine," she grumbled, sitting up and turning on a small table lamp on her nightstand. "What is so important that you had to interrupt my sleep?"

Sheldon hesitated, then gingerly sat down on the edge of her bed. He began telling her about his dream and about the advice he had tried to give Leonard earlier that evening.

"I told him that he loved you but didn't like you, and that I liked you but didn't love you. But I was overlooking one crucial piece of evidence. In fact, with my eidetic memory, I am amazed that I could have missed it. Up until a few years ago, there were only three women in the world to whom I have ever said 'I love you', and they were all related to me."

He paused, then soldiered on. "Recently, Penny, you became the fourth. I remember it was after a particularly exasperating evening in which Amy once again tried to force me to change. I told her that I wished she were dead. Then I told her she was a wonderful girlfriend with my fingers crossed behind my back, just to get her to leave. A few minutes later, you poked your head in the door. You told me that you loved that I was in your life, and I responded, 'I love you too.'"

"Sheldon, that doesn't mean-" Penny began.

"I think it does mean something," he interrupted her. "I think we have both been trying to change to make someone else happy, instead of being with someone who will allow us to be ourselves."

"This coming from the guy who tried to train me with chocolates?" Penny asked skeptically.

Sheldon fidgeted. Darn, he was hoping she had forgotten about that.

"I will concede that neither one of us has been a perfect friend, but I am willing to start over. I have drawn up a relationship contract that specifies how we can resolve our differences."

She stared at the sheaf of papers as if it would bite her. He was serious, she thought. Holy crap on a cracker, Sheldon was seriously considering dating her! Well, she knew exactly how she could nip all this in the bud.

"Sweetie, there's one thing you're forgetting. Amy is willing to put up with a lot from you, and that includes your phobia about germs and being touched. I could never be in a relationship with someone who didn't want to touch me."

"I have considered that aspect of a relationship with you as well," Sheldon replied. "As you may recall, I have already had my hands on a rather intimate area of your body-what I believe you would refer to as 'second base'. I have seen you naked, and I have voluntarily hugged you on more than one occasion. Our friendship is already far more physically intimate than my dating relationship with Amy, which I plan to terminate tomorrow, regardless of your decision."

"All right, let's settle this here and now, Sheldon," Penny said. She just wanted to get back to sleep. Even when she was at her best, he could talk circles around her, but she was sure she knew how to shut him up for good.

"Kiss me, Sheldon," she commanded, leaning forward. The neckline of her nightie fell open, and his eyes were involuntarily drawn to her cleavage before he looked away, tongue running nervously over his lips. Hesitantly, he put a hand on her shoulder, feeling the bare skin surrounding the thin strap. She smirked at him. He reached up to touch her hair, tangling his fingers in her golden locks as he drew his hand down. Her smug look faltered. With his other hand, he brushed her cheek with the lightest of caresses. Her mouth dropped open slightly. His gaze fastened intently on her lips, and suddenly she felt unsure and nervous. He leaned in slightly and met her eyes with a heavy-lidded look. She swayed toward him and closed the last fraction of a gap between them.

His lips were firm, but very soft.

Her lips moved across his in a unbearable frisson of pleasure.

His hand fisted gently but insistently in her hair, and she sucked in a quick indrawn breath. Her hands crept of their own volition to clutch at his pajama shirt. He didn't know exactly what he was doing, and there was really no way she should be getting turned on by the idea of his inexperience.

He pulled away, and she felt bereft, staring into his eyes in bewilderment.

"Actually, I think you were the one who kissed me, Penny," he said in a baritone that sent shivers down her spine. He pushed the relationship contract into her unresisting hands.

"Think about it," he whispered. "I'll be waiting."


	2. Chapter 2

Penny didn't sleep well the rest of the night. When she finally dragged herself out of bed around 9:30 in the morning, she had half-convinced herself that she had hallucinated last night. No way had Sheldon-frickin'-Cooper asked her out and kissed her. Unfortunately, the stack of papers entitled "Relationship Agreement between Penny Larsen and Sheldon Cooper, PhD" made it impossible to dismiss last night's weird turn of events. No, she thought, shaking her head, she refused to think about either one of her next-door neighbors. Both of them were driving her crazy.

She puttered around the apartment, looking for some distraction. Breakfast was a cup of yogurt and coffee, black-no way was she going across the hall to steal milk today. She showered and pulled on a scoop-necked t-shirt and sweats, gathering her wet hair in a knot on top of her head. Her cable was on the fritz again (okay, she was actually a little behind with the bill), so she decided to go check her mail to see if she had any new magazines or catalogs.

She was just reaching inside her mail box when she heard a familiar voice behind her say, "Hello, Penny."

She swung around in shock. "Sheldon! What are you doing here? Why aren't you at work?"

"Apparently, I have accumulated too many vacation hours, and I was compelled to take some time off. I'm surprised to see you up this early; it's not even eleven o'clock."

"Yeah, well, I don't actually sleep in 'til eleven. I'm just not much of a morning person."

He nodded and took a step closer. His hands were clasped behind his back in a posture that she had always taken for aloofness, but now she wondered if it was actually restraint on his part.

"Penny, I would like to have a serious discussion with you. Is now a convenient time?"

She looked at him and felt the weight of decision pressing down on her. It was not a feeling she liked. She wanted to float through life, to have things come easily to her. It was part of the reason why she had always wanted to be an actress. In her mind, actors seemed to have everything handed to them on a silver platter. Now, as she met his serious gaze, she panicked.

"Sheldon, I... I can't," she said in a rush. "I just proposed to Leonard last night, and it didn't work out. I don't even know if we're still together, but I sure as hell can't start dating his best friend the next day."

Sheldon visibly deflated, but to her surprise he nodded and said, "I do not disagree with your assessment of the current situation. That is why I wished to have a private conversation with you."

Penny scrunched up her face in confusion. "You think I'm right?"

"I would prefer to discuss this in a more private setting. Would you come back upstairs with me?" he asked.

Curious, Penny nodded, and they walked up the stairs in silence. Sheldon ushered her into his apartment.

"May I offer you a hot beverage?" he offered.

"Why, do I look upset?"

"I am uncertain how you may react to what I have to say."

"Look, Sheldon, if you're just going to tell me that you had a bad batch of mee krob and that this whole thing was a mistake, then maybe I should just leave," Penny said, feeling on edge. Although she knew that jumping into a relationship with Sheldon would be a mistake, she really didn't wanted to be rejected again, or worse, listen to him enumerate her faults.

He eyed her warily and sat down next to her on the leather sofa. "Penny, do you remember when Dr. Beverly Hofstadter told you that you had an external locus of identity?"

"Uh... what?" she stammered, confused by the sudden change of topic.

"It was the first time you met her. In the time it took for you to walk with her from the lobby to the fourth floor, she had you crying about how your father used to call you Slugger."

"Oh yeah, that woman was a piece of work."

"Well, I believe that she was correct in her insight. Perhaps at that time, you didn't fully realize the implications of what she was trying to tell you, but her point was that you attain your sense of self from the people around you. So if your friends believe in you, you will feel confident, and if they don't, you'll be discouraged and think you're a failure. I don't know how, Penny, but I think you need to learn to rely on yourself for confidence rather than looking to your friends. Especially within this particular group of friends, I think you have been comparing your IQ and career to ours and have been feeling inadequate."

"That... actually makes sense," Penny said thoughtfully.

"Recently, Penny, you were working in the evening, and Amy joined us for dinner. Leonard, Howard, and Raj were here as well, and we all sat in our habitual places, with the exception of Amy, who sat where you normally do. Our social interaction was an unmitigated disaster. Instead of communicating with each other, we all turned our attention to our various electronic devices. Amy attempted to draw us out into conversation, but she was unsuccessful in doing so. My point is, Penny, that you are the heart of our group, the glue that holds us together. You may not have an academic bent, but that does not mean you are without talent."

Penny smiled at him, but she was blinking rapidly as she struggled to keep the tears from falling.

"I also have a suggestion for you," he said, looking away. He rose and began pacing nervously around the room. He stopped near his desk, conscious of the fact that he was putting a literal distance between them.

"I think you should take some time for yourself, away from romantic entanglements, to discover what you really want in life. I know that this flies in the face of what I proposed to you yesterday evening. But after further consideration, I feel obligated to suggest this to you because I believe it may be the best course of action for your own good. I... I want you to be happy again. I want you to be able to get through a week without anesthetizing yourself with alcohol and sex. I want you to believe in yourself."

Tears were streaming down Penny's face by the time Sheldon got to the end of his speech. He was right, she realized. Somewhere along the way, she had lost sight of her dreams. She had convinced herself that all she needed to be happy was good friends and a boyfriend who worshipped her, while ignoring how often she turned to drink to mask how empty and miserable she had become.

She wiped her cheeks with the backs of her hands and walked over to him. Putting her arms around him, she hugged him tightly, overlooking the fact that he was standing stiffly with his arms at his sides.

"You're right, sweetie," she said, releasing him and taking a step back. "I have sort of lost myself. I hate being a waitress. All my friends are successful career types, and when something big happens in their life, while I'm happy for them, it also kills me a little inside."

She bit her lip and looked down. "And what I said earlier about you and me? I wasn't wrong, but the way you said it makes more sense. I'm... a mess," she said, starting to tear up again. "I shouldn't be in any kind of relationship right now because I hate my life, and anyone that I'd be with, I'd just bring them down with me."

Sheldon gently reached out and tilted her chin up until she was looking him in the eye.

"Penny, you are an amazing person, one I feel privileged to have in my life. As far as I am concerned, your happiness supersedes my own. If you decide you want to go back to college, or pursue an acting career, or just marry Leonard, as long as it makes you happy, I will support you. I have been and am, first and foremost, your friend."

She launched herself at him, wrapping her arms around him, and this time, he slowly brought his arms up to return the hug.

"Sheldon, right now I think you are my best friend."


	3. Chapter 3

Later that evening, Penny heard a knock on her door. Since it was just a plain knock, she was pretty sure she knew who it was. Looking through her peephole, she saw Leonard standing there with a tense expression on his face, holding a big bunch of red roses. An involuntary sigh escaped her lips when she saw the flowers. Sometimes a romantic gift could smooth over a rough patch in a relationship. Theirs was not a rough patch, however, but more like a yawning chasm.

She let him in and accepted the roses with subdued thanks. She laid the blooms on the counter still shrouded in their protective plastic and sat down on the sofa. Leonard took a seat in the chair next to her. After an awkward few seconds, he suddenly broke down and started begging for her forgiveness. He should have been more supportive, he said. He was sorry he didn't say what she needed to hear about her acting career. He pleaded with her not to break up with him just because of one stupid mistake.

Penny listened to him with a kind of detached impassivity. This wasn't just one mistake, she countered in her head. It was a pattern of him not really seeing her as a person. She remembered the first time they broke up, how quick he had been to have meaningless sex with the next willing woman that came along. There was the time that he told her he only spent time with her in order to get laid, and the time he had laughed when Amy broke her nose. Nevertheless, she wasn't ready to end the relationship. They'd had some good times, too. She liked hanging out with him and the rest of the gang. If he was awkward and unsure, he could also be very sweet, like when he had preserved a snowflake for her at the North Pole.

When he stuttered to a halt, she told him that she needed some time to think. Clearly, that wasn't the answer he was hoping for, but it was also better than his worst-case scenario. Squinting hopefully at her, he asked her how much time did she need: a day, a week? When she told him she wanted some space to figure out who she really was and what she really wanted out of life, he began to look annoyed. He argued that she already knew who she was, and how long did she expect him to wait around, anyway?

That last remark sent a searing pain through her chest. It sounded as if he didn't think she was worth waiting for. She couldn't help but compare his words to what Sheldon had said to her earlier that day. In a flash of anger, she stood and ordered Leonard out of her apartment. She repeated that she needed time to think, but if he wasn't willing to wait, he should just say so and spare them both all of this drama. Of course, that brought on a fresh spate of begging and tears-tears-but her mind was full of thoughts of another man's patient, selfless encouragement. She finally got him to leave by threatening to summarily end things here and now if he didn't respect her wishes.

When Leonard was finally gone, she curled up in her bed under her well-worn comforter. Dry-eyed, she stared into the distance, wondering if she hadn't made the right decision three years ago in the bowling alley. Wil Wheaton had observed that she didn't really love Leonard, and that stringing him along was only going to hurt him more when they inevitably broke up. At the time, she believed he was right. When Leonard's desperation and her crumbling self-esteem had led her back into the same dead-end relationship, she had never considered how it might hurt her as well.

When Amy's face appeared on the computer screen via Skype, she looked happy. Sheldon's heart sank. Although he was convinced that they no longer belonged together, he had no wish to hurt her feelings.

"Amy, I wish to discuss the status of our relationship," he began.

At first she looked overjoyed, and then her expression turned wary. "What is this all about, Sheldon?"

"Amy, when we first met, neither one of us wished to be anything more than friends. But over time, your desires have changed. Mine have not. As I watched my friends pursue romantic relationships, I began to realize that they placed a higher value on them than friendships. Considering that they might be more well-versed than I in social protocol, I experimented with a non-platonic attachment, testing the hypothesis that a romantic relationship could be superior to friendship."

"Yes, Shelton, that's right. Our relationship is much stronger and more worthwhile than any friendship," Amy said eagerly.

"I'm not so sure," Sheldon replied, eliciting a frown from Amy. "In the past three years, you have not shown any interest in sharing any of my hobbies or interests. Furthermore, you have often mocked and derided the things that I enjoy. I do not believe those are the actions of a friend. Additionally, I have not been able to accustom myself to the physical demands of a relationship. I dislike holding hands with you, and I have no wish for further intimacies. Some months ago, I told you that I felt our relationship was very intimate. I believe you misunderstood what I meant by that. I meant that our relationship was as physically intimate as I wanted it to be."

"Sheldon, you just need to give yourself more time-" Amy began.

"Be honest, Amy, where do you see us in a year?" he interrupted.

"Engaged, of course," Amy said promptly.

"Engaged? Whatever do you mean by that?" Sheldon asked in a panicked tone.

"We are two of the most logical, intellectual people on earth," Amy said. "Naturally, we belong together. I had hoped that you would see that by now. Just imagine how brilliant our children will be. Why, they could take over the world if they wanted to."

"Children?" Sheldon echoed, stunned. "Amy, we have already discussed and discarded the idea of reproduction by artificial insemination."

She crossed her arms and scowled at him wordlessly.

"You don't really think that I... and you..."

"Will have sex some day? Yes, and the sooner the better," she replied crossly.

"Amy, why would you wish to marry me and have children with me when you don't even like so much of who I am?" he asked, seeking for some sort of logic in her reasoning.

"We were meant to be together," she said firmly. "If I believed in fate, I would say that we were destined for each other."

"Amy, just because you keep repeating something, that does not make it true. I am tired of you trying to change me. I don't want to kiss you, and I most definitely do not want to have sex with you. I see no reason for this relationship to continue."

"Sheldon, you don't mean that," Amy said in a quavering little voice. "You've told me that I'm important to you. I'm on your screensaver."

"Amy, I do care for you, but not in a romantic sense. I don't want the same things you do. I am convinced that I would never be able to make you happy, nor do I wish to try."

Amy was crying now, making Sheldon feel supremely uncomfortable at such an excessive display of emotion. "But Sheldon, I love you," she cried.

"I do not return your feelings, Amy, and that is why this relationship must end."

After a few more unproductive minutes of rehashing the same arguments, Sheldon finally ended the conversation and logged off. He sighed. He had hoped that he and Amy could continue to be friends, but it seemed that the old adage about romance ruining a friendship would likely be true in his case as well.

Penny was at work when she received the call from Amy. When she heard sobbing on the other end of the line, she knew immediately that Sheldon had followed through with his intent to break up with his girlfriend. She still had an hour left on her shift, so she told Amy to hang in there, and she would be over as soon as possible. As soon as she hung up, she dialed Bernie, who quickly agreed to go straight over to Amy's place, armed with tissues, ice cream, and a bottle of wine. Penny ended the call, feeling a twinge of guilt. She was going to comfort her friend over being dumped, while she strongly suspected she had something to do with the ending of the relationship. But it couldn't be helped. She hadn't said no to Leonard; she hadn't said yes to Sheldon. She was in a dating limbo.

Penny cut out of work a little bit early, charming one of the bus boys to fill the salt and pepper shakers and bundle up silverware for her. She stopped only to pick up another bottle of wine because hey, you could never have too much wine at a post-break-up consolation party, right? Or maybe "crying fest" would be a more accurate term, she thought as she parked and entered Amy's building.

As she let herself in to Amy's apartment, she could see Amy huddled on the couch, crying. There was an enormous pile of used tissues littering the floor all around her. Bernadette was at her side, stroking her hair and murmuring soothing platitudes. Penny joined them, and Amy immediately launched herself at her bestie, all but strangling her in a death grip of desperation.

After a few hours of sympathizing with Amy, telling her all men were jerks and that she deserved better, Penny and Bernadette finally got Amy to go to bed. The three glasses of wine that she'd drunk might have helped her along. Penny groaned when she saw it was almost 1:30 in the morning, and she drove very carefully on the way home. If she was really going to turn over a new leaf, the last thing she needed was a DUI conviction.


	4. Chapter 4

The following morning, Penny was rummaging through her cabinets for something to eat for breakfast. Although she hated to admit it, being on the outs with Leonard meant that she needed to start buying her own groceries and stop mooching off of her next-door neighbors. But that's what this break was all about, right? Finding out who she was? Well, she was pretty sure she didn't want to be the kind of person who takes advantage of other people.

Speaking of that, how on earth was she going to go about "finding herself"? Man, it sounded so cheesy when she put it like that. She liked the word Sheldon used: introspection. Made it sound like something worthwhile. Well, the next step seemed to get rid of distractions... temporarily, at least. So no more online shoe shopping and no clubbing. As a matter of fact, she was pretty sure that drinking at home when she was all by herself wasn't a healthy behavior either.

Penny opened her cabinets and stared at all the bottles. She wrinkled her nose in disgust when she realized just how many there were. Most of them weren't wine, either. There was vodka, tequila, schnapps and the familiar shape of a Jack Daniels in the very back. She drew in a deep breath, feeling stunned. She didn't even remember buying that one. It was her mother's panacea of choice, and it showed just how low she had sunk that she would purchase the very thing that had made her teenage years so miserable. She worked so hard, every day, to pretend that she was fine, that everything was great. It was no wonder that she had blown people away in the high school theater productions. She pretended so much, all the time, that it was a relief to pretend to be someone else, someone who wasn't real and whose problems she could walk away from when the curtain fell.

The whisky went first, down the drain of her kitchen sink. As she watched the brown liquid swirl, she felt a surge of triumphant joy. The rest of the alcohol followed. When she was done, she gathered all the bottles in a large black trash bag. Slipping sneakers on her feet, she left the apartment building and rounded the block to an overgrown lot behind an abandoned row home. Glancing furtively around, she pulled out the bottles and sent them sailing through the air to smash against the brick wall. With each tinkling crash, she felt as though she were placing a wall between her past and her future. Goodbye to calling herself an actress but not going to auditions. Goodbye to getting drunk alone at night. Goodbye to using sex to feel attractive and desirable. Goodbye to deluding herself into thinking friends were all she needed to be happy. When all that was left was a pile of glittering shards, Penny sashayed back to her apartment, feeling light and freer than she had felt in a long time.

The rest of the morning she spent cleaning her apartment. Sure, it may not have been up to Sheldon's standards, but she did a lot more than her usual cursory swipe. She even used her neighbors' emergency key to borrow some of Sheldon's cleaning supplies. Somehow, she was certain that this was one item he wouldn't begrudge her.

Around two o'clock, she stopped for a shower and an hour's nap before she had to go to work at the Cheesecake Factory. Her shift was the usual combination of chaos, leering male customers, spilled food and screaming toddlers. Every time she started to feel frazzled, she brought to mind the memory of shattered glass and the feeling of control. Then she was able to straighten her shoulders, plaster a smile on her face, and carry on.

Around eleven o'clock that night, she finally trudged up the stairs of 2311 North Robles on aching feet. It had been a good night, though. She had kept her composure, more so than most shifts, and had come home with unusually high tips. As she pushed open her door, her foot trod on something that crackled. Startled, she bent down and picked up the offending item. It was a flat brown paper bag, the kind that were sometimes used by gift shops. Peering into the bag, her eyebrows rose. She reached in and pulled out a glitter-covered Hello Kitty spiral-bound notebook. Underneath the notebook was a pen, also pink, with a ridiculous fluffy marabou feather decorating the top. There was a piece of paper sticking up from inside the notebook. Pulling it out, she read the printed message.

Dear Penny,

You asked me the other day how you ought to go about discovering who you truly are and what you really want out of life. As I researched on the internet, I found that journaling is a helpful process for many people. It aids them in examining their deep and often hidden motivations. I hope this may help you as well.

Sincerely,

Sheldon Cooper, PhD

A huff of laughter escaped from her startled lips as she imagined Sheldon insisting Leonard drive him to some gift shop or stationary store and then buying these silly frou-frou items. Smiling, she carefully placed the notebook and pen in the exact center of her kitchen counter. They would be the first thing she saw tomorrow.

_Why did I want to become an actress? ___

This was the first line that Penny wrote in her new journal the following morning. Thoughtfully, she brushed the end of her chin with her feathered pen. Then she started writing:

_I remember desperately wanting to leave Nebraska. I saw too many kids from my area have big dreams, only to end up working retail or taking care of the baby they got knocked up with. I wanted more. I wanted to be important. I didn't want to struggle with money._

She paused, and thought about what she had just written. The irony did not escape her. She was in a different state, but she was working a dead-end service job and constantly having problems paying her bills. So she kept journaling:

_But now I'm in California, working as a waitress who can barely pay the rent and cable, even when I do mooch off my neighbors for food and wi-fi. Different place, same situation. So clearly, moving to California didn't magically solve my problems. Which means my problem never _was_ that I lived in Omaha. Holy crap. I really thought that if I could just make it to Hollywood, that someone would recognize my talent pretty quick and I would become rich and famous. But I was wrong. It doesn't work that way. Just because I'm near where they make movies doesn't mean I'm more likely to become a movie star. Like Leonard said, there are hundreds of pretty and talented girls here, all hoping to become famous. I guess going to a couple of auditions a month is as least as much as all those other girls do too. ___

Penny set her pen down carefully and stared at the notebook page covered in her cursive scrawl with a feeling akin to awe. To be truthful, she hadn't really expected much out of this journaling idea. Instead, as she wrote, she found that she was beginning to uncover some truths about herself... things that she had never realized, or that her awareness of had slowly eroded over time and disappointment.

Excited, she pulled out her phone and sent Sheldon a text:

_Omg Sheldon this journaling stuff really works! I cant believe it! Just figured out I never really left Omaha. U r the bomb! ___

His reply came back within a few minutes:

_Hello, Penny. I assume that your assertion of never having left Omaha is a metaphor since you did relocate to California. I am glad that your journaling has already proven fruitful. Best wishes. Sincerely, Sheldon Cooper, PhD ___

She read it and snorted with laughter. She didn't know anyone who could sound so stiff and formal, even in a text message. Maybe she wasn't the only one who could get in touch with their inner feelings through journaling. Smiling at the thought, she picked up her notebook and began to write again.


	5. Chapter 5

More than a week had passed since the drunken proposal. It became obvious pretty quickly how much Penny had depended on the guys financially. After she paid her rent and utilities, she couldn't afford much more than ramen noodles and popcorn. It was hard, some nights, trudging up four flights of stairs on aching feet. She imagined that she smelled the delectable fragrance of pizza or Chinese take-out wafting from apartment 4A, even though they would have eaten dinner hours before she got home. She had asked for more hours at the Cheesecake Factory, and more of the prime evening and weekend shifts as well. But the truth was, everyone who was working there wanted the good shifts. Her boss had been sympathetic, but he wasn't able to give her all the hours she wanted.

_Let's face it_ , she thought. _Without the guys, I would have had to move back to Omaha years ago._ That was especially true of Sheldon. Recently, she had tallied up what she owed him and found the amount was over twenty-three hundred dollars. That was more than two month's rent. She was quickly beginning to realize that she had a career crisis. She simply didn't make enough money waitressing. The worst part was, if she really wanted to pursue an acting career, she should take acting classes and have new head shots done, all of which cost more money which she just didn't have.

It was time to make some tough decisions, time to grow up. The next time she opened her journal, she started out with the question: _Is talent enough to make a career in acting?_

In answer to that, she wrote: _I'm good at acting because I was always pretending to everyone. I wanted to be pretty and popular and not think about what was actually going on at home. I thought if I pretended that my life was great, that somehow the lie would become the reality. I did the same thing with Leonard, too, didn't I? I pretended that I loved him because I wanted it to be true. He was sweet and nice and he had a good job, and he was crazy about me. I thought I could make myself love him back. I do love him, in a way, but not the way he feels about me. He's proposed to me four times, and each time I said no. I kept telling myself I just wasn't ready. I don't know if I'll ever be ready. I don't love him. Pretending didn't make it happen. ___

She was crying by the time she got to the end of that paragraph. Her relationship with Leonard never had a real chance, did it? It was just another act, and she had always kept an eye on her exit, stage left. That was the real reason she could never say yes to him. Perhaps he had felt that her proposal was really a final gesture of futility and self-loathing. Strangely, he had been right to turn her down, even though he had probably been motivated more by wounded pride than any sense of the wrongness of their entire relationship.

She bent over her notebook again. _I liked being Leonard's girlfriend_ , she wrote. _He always put me up on a pedestal. It made me feel good about myself, even when I was being passed over for auditions or getting food spilled all over my Cheesecake Factory uniform. I guess in a way, I was just using him. Of course, all he seemed to want was a pretty girl on his arm who put out regularly. I guess he was using me too._

She read back over what she had written. She wanted to figure out what to do with her life, so why did she keep coming back to her relationships? She picked up her pen, trying to stick to the topic at hand.

_I think I'm actually good at acting. But I don't know if that's enough to actually become an actor. Let's face it, my big break may never come, no matter how many times I audition or which classes I take. So what then? Do I continue to work at the Cheesecake Factory, waiting for a moment which may never come? Or do I find something else in life that I want to do, something that will make me happy? One thing's for sure, friends are not enough to make me happy while slogging away as a waitress. Honestly, that was such a cop-out. Just a sign of how desperate I was at the time, I guess. Trying to convince myself that I didn't need to ever succeed to be happy. What was I thinking? Of course I need to succeed in something. But do I need to succeed at acting? All I can really say at this point is, I want to._

So is there anything else that I might be happy doing, something that I could do to earn a living? The only other thing I remember doing that gave me that same sense of accomplishment was my Penny Blossoms business. I mean, it really was amazing that someone loved my creations so much that they ordered 2,000 of them! I just wasn't prepared to deal with the reality of running a business. Sheldon was such a big help then, too. He stayed up all night, hyper on caffeine, to help me finish them. Huh. Why didn't I see then that for all Leonard was still trying to get into my pants, it was actually him that created the problem and then walked away, and it was Sheldon who stayed and helped me? Holy crap. I think I have been dating the wrong guy across the hallway. Sheldon's always the one who helps me. I frickin' gave up dating on Saturday nights so I could do laundry with him. When I broke up with Leonard the first time, it was Sheldon who sought me out and spent time with me when I was lonely. 

There's a big problem with the idea of dating Sheldon, though. Wow. Just putting those words down on paper kinda freaks me out a little. The thing is, I don't care how geeky he is. I don't mind if he loves trains (okay, I might roll my eyes a little). But he puts people down a lot. He's said some zingers to me, Leonard, Raj, Howard, strangers at the grocery store... I don't think I could put up with that. Well, I can at least talk to him and tell him how I feel.

So Penny gave up on trying to figure out her career plans for now. She texted Sheldon and asked him to come over for dinner. She thought about making spaghetti with cut-up hot dogs, but decided against it. She didn't want to give him the impression that she was going out of her way to make him happy, not when she had left him hanging after his declaration.

So, over a pizza from Giacomo's, Penny told him what she had been thinking about lately. That was the nice thing about talking to Sheldon, she thought. There was no subtext. You could just say what you were thinking, and he wouldn't take offense to it, at least, not with her.

"So... are you asking me to change?" Sheldon said with an edge to his voice.

"No, sweetie, I'm just being honest with you." She glanced down, fidgeted with a fold of her capris, before admitting in a low voice, "I can't go back to Leonard. I see that now. Our relationship was a on-again, off-again mess of each of us trying to be something we weren't. We both had issues that we thought having someone love us would fix. But it didn't. I just kept giving up pieces of myself, and he kept trying to change me into his idea of the perfect girlfriend. I hated it. So no, I'm not asking you to change for me. But you said you wanted to be in a relationship with me, so I'm telling you what needs to happen in order to make that work. Leonard and I have both hurt each other and damaged our friendship. I don't want to make the same mistake twice."

Sheldon thanked her for the dinner and said his goodbyes, feeling both confused and hopeful.


	6. Chapter 6

Sheldon left Penny's apartment, his mind awhirl with new ideas. Usually, when he was in this state, he was trying to solve an equation that he hoped would prove string theory. But tonight, Penny had given him a lot to think about. He walked into his living room and set up a white board. First, he mentally reviewed the last week and tallied the remarks he had made that might be construed as disparaging. Then he did the same with the past month. The results were not encouraging. It was very frustrating to him. Penny seemed to want him to not only refrain from saying certain things to her, but from making similar comments to other people as well. He added several heuristic algorithms to his board, but they didn't seem to be solving the underlying issue. He needed help, pure and simple. So he picked up his phone and dialed the one person who understood him best.

"Hello, Meemaw?"

"Why, Shelly dear, such a pleasure to hear from you. Is something on your mind?"

"How did you know?" he asked, mystified.

"Well, it's not the first Wednesday of the month, so something must be up," Meemaw replied.

"You're right, Meemaw. I could never pull the wool over your eyes," he said, chastised.

She chuckled. "You just go ahead and tell me all about it, Moonpie."

"Well... someone who is important to me has requested that I alter my behavior."

"It's Penny, isn't it?" she asked promptly.

Again, Sheldon was taken aback at the seemingly clairvoyant abilities of his grandmother.

"Yes. Why didn't you think I was talking about Amy or Leonard?"

"Oh, Moonpie, I'm sure they both want you to change, but only to benefit themselves. And since their motives are entirely selfish, neither one of them would just come right out and say it to you. There's only one person in your life that would tell you the truth because she cares, and that's Penny."

"But you haven't even met her. How do you know what she is like?"

"I hear it every time you speak her name, Shelly. And you've told me about all the nice things she's done for you. I can tell how much she means to you. So what did Penny ask you to do?"

"She wants me to stop 'talking down to people', as she put it. She says... well, Meemaw, I might as well tell you the whole story. I broke up with Amy, and I kissed Penny... not necessarily in that order."

Meemaw started dancing a jig on the worn linoleum of her kitchen floor. "I have to say, Sheldon, I think that's the smartest decision you've made in a long time. I know your momma manipulated you into getting back together with that Amy girl, and you haven't been yourself since. You always seemed sort of beaten down. I have to tell you, your momma and I argued something fierce over that."

"You did? Why didn't you ever say anything?"

"Oh, Moonpie, don't you see? At that point, anything I might have said against Amy would have just made you more determined to stay with her. You Cooper men are all hard-headed and all alike. Your Pappy, God rest his soul, was the stubbornest man alive. We used to fight like two cats tied together by their tails." She chuckled. "But then we'd make up, and my, how the sparks would fly. He's been gone near twenty years, and I still miss that man every day."

"Penny and I have had some significant altercations over the years as well," he confessed.

"Of course you have! You need passion in a relationship, not some cold fish who doesn't have enough sense to let go of something that was never hers. Sheldon, you need someone who feels more than she thinks. Lord only knows, you do enough thinking for a dozen people. You never needed more of the same. Now, I think your Penny is making a good point. It ain't hard to kiss a girl. It's a lot harder to be worthy of her. The fact that she's asking you to be a better man shows that she's worthy of you. It's a challenge, Moonpie. She's thrown down a gauntlet. Now the question is, what are you gonna do about it?"

"I suppose I could try."

"Nothin' was ever accomplished by trying, dear boy. I know that at times, you're a very self-contained young man. She'll only respect you the more if you show her you're in control of yourself. Physically, you're a man. Now it's time to start acting like one."

"I think you're right, Meemaw," he said in a bemused tone of voice.

She laughed heartily. "Of course I'm right. Wasn't I married to the best of the Cooper men for over thirty-five years? And speaking of marriage, Moonpie, when the time is right, nothing would make me happier than for you to give that girl of yours the same ring your Pappy gave me all those years ago."

Sheldon felt stunned. "Marriage?" he yelped.

"Of course, Shelly. Like I said, you're a Cooper man through and through. And you're all terribly single-minded. Once you set your mind on something, you're like a dog with a bone. You ain't never gonna give it up. Now, you be a good boy and think about what I said. And call me anytime, Moonpie," she said, her voice softening. "It sure does brighten my day to talk to you."

After ending the call, Sheldon turned back to his whiteboard. Bemused, he added a sketch of a face-centered cubic lattice of carbon to one corner of the board.

Howard peered around the corner of the university hallway. "Looks like the coast is clear."

"Goody, goody, goody!" Raj exclaimed, clapping his hands like a demented toddler.

The two friends hurried out to the parking lot. Just an hour ago, Leonard had texted Howard to say he wouldn't be joining them for lunch. When Raj found out, he had begged Howard to take him to the new frozen yogurt place that had recently opened just off campus. Howard had grumbled a little, but eventually given in. He couldn't resist the pleading look in Raj's big brown eyes. Since neither of them wanted Sheldon to come along, they had to sneak past his office on the way out.

Now, ice cream cones in hand, they were walking past a row of shops and eateries, taking the long way back to the science building. Raj insisted that he needed to burn off the calories from their sugary treat. Suddenly, Howard grabbed his friend's arm.

"Dude, what are you doing? I almost dropped my double-fudge mocha chip," Raj protested.

"Look," Howard hissed, pulling Raj into the shadow of a store's awning. "Isn't that Leonard? Who's that girl he's with?"

"Oh my cow, that's Sheldon's former assistant, Alex," Raj exclaimed excitedly, spying on the pair who looked very cozy together at a café table. "Do you think they're on a date?"

"Of course it's not a date; Leonard and Penny are still technically a couple." He watched as Alex flipped her hair over her shoulder and laughed at something Leonard said, leaning in towards him. "On the other hand..." he said with a frown as he saw Leonard and Alex gather their things and get up from the table. Alex leaned in to give Leonard a hug, and he returned it, wrapping his arms around her for more than three Mississippi's. Then they walked companionably side by side down the sidewalk.

That evening, as Leonard and Sheldon drove home, Sheldon was uncharacteristically quiet.

"So... you wanna play the elements game?" Leonard offered.

"No, thank you."

"You haven't said a word since we left the campus. Wanna catch me up?"

Hearing the suspicion in Leonard's voice, Sheldon sighed. "You didn't eat lunch in the cafeteria today," he noted.

"Yeah, I told you, I've been trying to catch up on some work."

"Earlier this week, when I needed to ask you about something, I couldn't locate you in either your office or the laboratory."

"Well, I must have just been in between the two places, or maybe I was in the men's room, or getting a snack from the vending machine," Leonard blustered.

"Did you know that today, Howard and Raj decided to treat themselves to some frozen yogurt after lunch?"

"So what's that go to do with..." Leonard trailed off, his mouth agape in shock. The university cafeteria sold ice cream, not frozen yogurt. He had seen the flyers for the new establishment, and it dawned on him that it was only a few shops down from where he had met Alex that day.

"Unbeknownst to you, they accidentally observed your clandestine rendezvous with Alex Jensen. Your actions suggest that you have decided to pursue other romantic avenues while your relationship with Penny is still in limbo," Sheldon said with an odd edge to his voice.

"Oh, no, no, no. That's where you're confused. Alex and I are just friends," Leonard replied.

"Then why have you been lying to me, Howard and Raj about your activities? As I recall, her attentions toward you in the past were most definitely of a romantic nature, if Penny's reaction was any indication."

"Look, Penny and I on a break, okay?" Leonard whined. "Alex and I aren't dating. I'm just keeping my options open."

Sheldon thought about that for a moment. "How would Penny feel if she knew you were getting together with Alex as a friend?"

"Oh my gosh, Sheldon, if you breathe a word of this to her, she'll hogtie and castrate me," Leonard exclaimed.

"I see," Sheldon replied, turning his head so his roommate wouldn't see the smirk on his face. After all, everyone knew that he was incapable of keeping a secret.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> In the middle of this chapter, Sheldon draws a face-centered cubic lattice of carbon on his whiteboard. That's a technical description of a diamond...


	7. Chapter 7

Penny hadn't been spending much time with the guys. It was too awkward seeing Leonard, and she wasn't sure how to approach Sheldon, either. Nevertheless, it was Saturday night, and she decided to head down to the laundry room like usual. When she entered the room, Sheldon was already there, sorting his clothing.

"Hello, Penny," he said, smiling a genuine smile at her.

"Hey, Sheldon," she replied. Instantly, she wanted to kick herself. How had her voice managed to come out sounding so breathy? At least, she consoled herself, Sheldon wouldn't notice if her vocal cords suddenly tried to do a Marilyn Monroe impression every time she saw him.

"So... umm... how are things going at work?" she asked to cover her confusion. It was an innocent question, but the response she got was unexpected.

He turned to face her, his tics twitching wildly as he said, "Absolutely nothing unusual has happened at work at all. And it has nothing to do with Leonard, either... or a certain former assistant of mine."

"What?" Penny all but screeched. "Alex is back? What's going on between her and Leonard? Dammit, I knew I couldn't trust that sneaky little bastard!"

"I never said that there was anything going on between Leonard and Alex," Sheldon protested.

"Yeah, but there is, isn't there? I'll bet he asked you to keep it a secret, too," Penny growled. She took a few swift steps forward until she was almost nose-to-nose with him.

"Tell me what you know," she ordered.

Sheldon was still more than a little scared of Penny when she was angry, and he also had some concerns that his plan might backfire. After all, one of the reasons that she had agreed to the "beta test" with Leonard was because of how jealous she had gotten when he was dating Priya. All he could do was hope that her recent journaling had compelled her to take an objective view of her life. With that in mind, he repeated what Howard and Raj had told him. Leonard had been meeting Alex secretly, but they hadn't seen any proof that he was actually cheating.

She nodded and took a step backwards out of Sheldon's personal zone.

"I'm wondering how I would feel if they did see him kissing Alex," she mused. "I think it would hurt a little, but it's more because being with Leonard always made me feel dumb. I think, from the way he kept pestering me to take college courses, that it's really important for him to date someone who's smart."

Sheldon shook his head. "I believe his true motivation was that he felt you weren't educated enough to sufficiently admire his genius."

"And what about you?" she asked, eyes narrowing. "You called me a blonde monkey once."

He swallowed hard, suddenly conscious of the conversational minefield into which he had blundered. "Actually, Penny, if you will permit me to point out, you were the one who said those words. I will admit that my response, however, was juvenile and in poor taste. I sometimes took the adversarial nature of our relationship to extremes that I now realize were not beneficial to our friendship."

"Was that an apology?" she asked skeptically, crossing her arms.

He hesitated perhaps longer than a prudent man would have, but he had to search his feelings, which was not something he did easily or well. He let the answer resonate through his psyche until he was certain that apologizing to Penny wouldn't make him feel defeated or outmaneuvered.

"Yes, Penny," he said at last. "I apologize for the comments I have made in the past which disparaged your intelligence. If anything, my friendship with you has taught me that there are other measures by which a person has value and contributes to their community and society in general. For example, your empathy helps you to relate in a positive manner with people that you encounter, which in turn gains you their goodwill."

She snorted. "If only that could help me land a decent role."

"Penny, I believe that your acting career suffers more from a lack of focused attention than from any inability on your part. You are a talented actor, but, like me, you have suffered many setbacks in your career."

She frowned. "Yeah, I guess that's true. You know, I've been trying to work out my problems on paper like you suggested. Every time I try to answer a question about my acting, I end up writing about relationships instead. I think I need to get things straightened out with Leonard first, and then I'll be able to focus on my career."

He nodded. "That is a logical supposition. Have you decided what you are going to tell Leonard?" He was fairly certain he already knew the answer from her earlier angry reaction, but he needed to make sure.

"Yup," she said quietly. "He's not going to like it, but it's time for me to get off this crazy ride."

The next evening, Penny knocked on the door to 4A, nervously wiping her palms on her jeans. Sheldon answered the door, looking faintly surprised that she had bothered to knock. Ever since she had asked Leonard for a break, though, Penny hadn't felt comfortable with the idea of barging in.

"Hey, umm... is Leonard here?" she asked softly. "I need to speak to him. It's important."

Sheldon knew, with Penny having to say anything, that she had come to close the final chapter in her ill-fated relationship with Leonard. So he invited her to have a seat on the sofa and fetched his roommate.

Leonard brightened when he saw her. "Hey, Penny, what's up?"

She patted the couch cushion to her right. "Sit down, Leonard. We need to talk. Sheldon, would you please give us some privacy?" She was dreading this conversation and knew it probably showed on her face. She hated to hurt him, but it seemed to be inevitable.

Leonard studied her face with a sinking heart. Although he had enjoyed the comfort Alex had happily provided, he had been hoping that Penny would take him back. The grim look on her face told him otherwise.

"I've given this a lot of serious thought," she began. "Leonard, you know you will always mean a lot to me. I care a lot about you, and nothing is going to change that. But I think we're better off as friends."

"Penny, please, I love you," Leonard begged. "Come on, we can make this work. It's a beta test, right? Just tell me what I'm doing wrong, and I'll fix it."

She shook her head and sighed. "Leonard, you're so quick to say the words, 'I love you', but I think they're just a way for you to try to hold on to what you think is yours. If you really loved me, you wouldn't be having lunch with Alex Jensen."

Leonard's mouth dropped open when she said that. She went on quickly, before he could try to explain.

"If what you felt for me was really love, you wouldn't have hopped into bed with Dr. Plimpton just days after we broke up the first time. You once told me that you wanted to marry Priya, and in the same breath, you were planning on sleeping with some other girl you met at the comic book store. You've had plenty of opportunities to change, Leonard, and you haven't. The problem with this beta test idea is that you shouldn't pulling stunts like that in the first place. I shouldn't have to tell you to be supportive of my acting. I shouldn't have to tell you to stop pressuring me to take college classes even though I haven't declared a major, and I know it's not going to help me become an actress. And if I've told you twenty times what works for me in bed, and you still don't listen, you should have figured out that all those exaggerated, loud moans mean that I'm faking it!"

"Wait... what? You were faking how good I was?" he cried.

"In more ways than one. Look, this whole mess is partly my fault, too. I didn't tell you how I really felt about the college classes. I pretended you were good in bed. And I... I told you I loved you when I wasn't sure I meant it, just because I didn't want to lose you. We both deserve better. Go ask Alex out, Leonard. I give you my blessing. Maybe she'll be the right one for you. All I know is, I'm not the one, and I don't think I ever was."

"Isn't there anything I can do to change your mind?" Leonard asked, tilting his head and giving her his best sad-puppy-dog look.

She shook her head. "No. It's time for us to stop doing the same things over and over again, thinking it will somehow be different this time. We both need to move on."

Penny walked out of the apartment and closed the door softly behind her. She wondered if she should feel sad. Instead, she felt as if a giant weight had been lifted from her shoulders, leaving her feeling liberated and hopeful.


	8. Chapter 8

Sheldon rapped his triple knock on Penny's door. She opened the door just as he said her name the third time, illustrating that she had been waiting for him to finish his ritual.

"Hey, Sheldon, come on in," she said. There seemed to be an edge to her voice. Was she upset? Nervous? For the umpteenth time, he wished that he was as adept at reading human emotion as he was at understanding particle physics.

She had their regular order of Thai food set out on the coffee table. As they sat down, she asked, "So, how have you been?"

He wasn't sure what she wanted to know, so he gave her a blunt reply that was like a status report. "I am pleased with the progress I am making on my work with iterative image-domain decomposition. On a personal level, except for some sleep deprivation, I am enjoying excellent health."

She shook her head slightly at Sheldon's techno-babble, and focused on the one part of his answer that she understood. "Sleep deprivation?" she echoed. "Are you feeling all right, Sheldon?"

"Yes. The source of the sleep deprivation comes from the aggressively loud noises emanating from Leonard's bedroom almost every night this week. My new noise-cancelling headphones are not as good as they were advertised."

Her eyebrows shot up. "Wow, that was fast. So Alex has been sleeping over almost every night?"

He nodded with a mournful expression. "The only positive aspect to this new relationship of Leonard's is that Alex still treats me with deference."

"You mean, you still scare the crap out of her, the poor little mousy thing," Penny commented with a wicked grin. "One night when I was getting home from work, I saw Leonard had her backed up against the apartment door. He barely took his tongue out of her mouth to say hello. That is one weird couple," she added with a grimace.

"Are you regretting your decision to end your romantic affiliation with Leonard?" he asked quietly.

"What? Oh, hell no. No, that ship has sailed, I swear. In fact-" she leaned forward with merriment dancing in her eyes, "-if I ever show any signs of missing him, you have my permission to make a bonfire out of my Care Bear collection."

He laughed in breathy little gasps, but then sobered. "Am I to assume that you have come to a decision regarding my proposal of a few weeks ago?"

She winced. "Please don't say the word proposal. I can't believe how close I came to making the biggest mistake of my life after my part got cut. And... I'm sorry, but I still need to get my life together. The journaling is helping, but now I've realized that I'm working too many hours for not enough money. I've got to make some changes. I've been thinking... I know this girl who works at a gentleman's club, waiting tables. She says she could get me a job there. The tips would be a lot better. Sometimes, she makes a couple hundred dollars in one night."

Sheldon digested this information carefully, fighting back a wave of panic. Perhaps he was mistaken about what she was suggesting.

"What would be involved in such a job?" he asked.

"It would be pretty much the same as what I do now at the Cheesecake Factory, except the uniform would be a little different."

"Define 'different'," he said in a harsh voice he hardly recognized as his own.

"Well... there's fishnet tights, heels, a thong and some suspenders."

"Are you saying you would be serving food topless?" he asked, stunned.

"I... the tips are good, and I really need the money," she said in a small voice. She turned her head too late; he had caught the glimpse of tears in her eyes.

"Penny, I have no control over what you choose to do with your life. As of this moment, I am only a friend. But as your friend, I implore you not to accept a position that would once again put you in a position of being treated like an object rather than a human being."

"I just don't know what else to do," she said, wiping her eyes on a napkin.

"There, there," Sheldon said, pulling her into a hug. She cuddled close in his arms, and he fought hard to control his instincts to do more. It was a battle he lost when she looked up into his face with tear-filled eyes. He would have done anything to make her feel loved and valued. The kiss started out slowly, as he brushed her lips with his own. His thoughts ground to a halt when she kissed him back, tasting like peanut sauce and strawberries.

After a long moment, she pulled away. "Oh, crap. I need to stop doing this. I feel like I'm taking advantage of you."

He smiled down at her, a sexy lopsided grin that made her want to throw herself into his arms again. "Here I thought I was the one taking advantage of you."

She giggled, and he felt enormously relieved to hear her sounding happy again. Suddenly, a thought occurred to him. "Penny, I believe I may have a solution to your dilemma."

She sat up straighter. "What is it?"

"Having Alex re-enter my life unexpectedly has reminded me that at one point, I was able to hire a personal assistant. I may be able to convince Human Resources to allow me to hire you in that capacity."

She frowned thoughtfully. "But Sheldon, I don't know anything about physics. You know that."

"True, but I have Raj to assist me with my calculations. Your job would be to assist me with more mundane tasks such as paperwork, picking up meals and dry cleaning-"

"You don't own any clothes fancy enough to need dry cleaning," she said wryly.

Feeling like a samurai about to commit seppuku, he said hesitantly, "Perhaps my new personal assistant could help me to choose some wardrobe pieces that would be appropriate for a more professional setting."

Her jaw dropped. "You mean, you would pay me to dress you and make you look hot?"

"Professional," he corrected. "You would help me to dress more professionally."

She squealed and hugged him. "That sounds perfect. Thank you, Sheldon! Oh, I hope this works!"

"The things I do for love," he commented drily.

When she looked at him with a shocked expression, he smirked. "It's a figure of speech."

She gave him a wan smile, looking relieved. "Sheldon, I'm sorry. I feel like I'm leading you on. I'm attracted to you, but I really don't want to jump into a relationship before I've got all my crap figured out. I can't pretend that everything that went wrong between Leonard and me was his fault... even though I kinda wish I could," she added with a mischievous twinkle in her eyes.

"Penny, over the last few weeks, you have stopped drinking, ended a detrimental relationship, and have re-applied yourself to your career goals. I think you deserve more credit than you are giving yourself. However, if you still feel you need time for personal growth before you enter a new relationship, then it is well worth the wait. You are worth waiting for. I can assure you, I have no other romantic prospects on the horizon. I have no interest in anyone romantically except for you."

He heard a sniffle and looked over in alarm to see Penny wiping tears from her eyes. "Did I say something wrong?" he asked cautiously.

"No, sweetie. That was actually one of the nicest things anyone's said to me in a long time. You're changing, too, and I think you ought to give yourself credit for that."

As Penny leaned over to hug him, Sheldon was finally beginning to hope that a relationship between the two of them was not a matter of if, but when.

Sheldon took a seat in the plastic chair across from the desk of Mrs. Davis, the university's human resources director. It was quite a low chair. Any person shorter than Sheldon would have been looking up at her in the manner of a supplicant. Mentally, he gave her props for being a wily and cunning foe.

She glanced up at him. "Dr. Cooper, what a pleasant surprise," she said flatly. "What can I do for you?"

He surmised her first statement was sarcasm, more from the fact that he knew she couldn't stand him than from her tone of voice. "I have come with a proposition for you, Mrs. Davis."

She raised one eyebrow. "Do you need to take a refresher course in sexual harassment in the workplace?"

Sheldon looked confused. "No. Why on earth would I want to do that? I've come to request that you hire someone as my new personal assistant. In fact, I already have someone lined up for the job."

"Of course you do. Well, as you know, Dr. Cooper, positions at the university are like candy; they're just free for the taking."

He squinted suspiciously at her. "That's sarcasm, isn't it?"

"Yes, it is, and my answer is no. As I recall, you already wrangled a position for one of your friends a few years ago."

"That was an entirely different matter. Dr. Koothrapali was already employed by the university at the time. When his funding was cut, I hired him to assist me in my research on the annihilation spectrum of dark matter gamma rays, a position in which he has performed as well as can be expected. Today, I am asking you to hire a personal assistant for me."

Mrs. Davis groaned and put her head in her hands.

Sheldon slid a folder across the desk toward the older woman. She looked at it but didn't touch it.

"Just what is this?" she asked.

"As I said before, it is my proposition."

She opened the folder and scanned the contents. As she read, her eyebrows rose higher and higher. Finally, she looked up. "All right, just who is this person you want to hire?" she asked.

"Her name is Penny Larsen."

"No, I mean, who is she to you?" Penny was a woman's name, she thought. With any other man, she would have suspected him of having ulterior motives. But this was Sheldon Cooper she was dealing with, so all bets were off.

"Penny is a friend of mine, but I assure you I have full confidence in her abilities to adequately perform the job requirements," he said.

She turned her attention back to the folder. "This is a big sacrifice for just a friend."

"I can afford it," he said stiffly. "The only thing I am asking of you is that you put her name on the payroll so her pay checks appear to come from the university."

Mrs. Davis closed the folder and leveled a steely gaze at Sheldon. "Well, this is very... generous of you, Dr. Cooper, but I'm afraid I can't justify allowing you to have more than one assistant when you don't even have tenure yet." She opened the folder and perused its contents once more. "This says that as your personal assistant, part of her duties would be to help you maintain a more professional demeanor in the workplace. What exactly does that mean?"

Sheldon fidgeted, feeling uncomfortable for reasons he couldn't quite put a finger on. "Penny has a very keen sense of fashion, and so I wrote it into her job description that she would help me to revamp my workplace attire."

For the first time he could remember, a genuine smile came across Mrs. Davis's face. "You must really have it bad for this girl. Does she know how you feel about her?" she asked.

A faint tinge of pink stained his cheeks as he nodded silently.

"And?" she prompted impatiently when he wasn't forthcoming with further details.

He sighed heavily. "She says that she is attracted to me, but she needs time for introspection in order to address certain personal issues regarding relationships."

Mrs. Davis was nodding thoughtfully. "Well, as I've already stated, I can't justify another hire in the physics department at this time. But, given the fact that this young lady might be able to persuade one of the university's brightest minds to stop dressing like a children's TV show host, I think we can work something out. You send her over tomorrow morning for an interview. There are a few open positions she might qualify for. If I do hire her, it won't be necessary for her salary to come out of your paycheck. But a new wardrobe won't be amiss... and neither would your volunteering to advise a few more graduate students. Do we have an understanding, Dr. Cooper?"

His face had starting twitching wildly when she mentioned the graduate students, but he managed to regain his composure. "If you can offer her a full-time position with benefits, I will take on three graduate students."

She gave him a penetrating look. "And none of them will go crying to Gablehauser about how mean you are, or how many times you've called them stupid?"

"I will endeavor to be patient and less judgmental with my advisees," he replied stiffly.

For the second time that day, she smiled at him. "In that case, Dr. Cooper, I think we've got ourselves a deal."


	9. Chapter 9

Penny wore one of her most conservative outfits for the interview with Mrs. Davis. She still didn't know how Sheldon had managed it, but she was profoundly grateful. She had once again narrowly avoided making a huge mistake. In the light of day, it seemed ridiculous that she had ever considered working in what was basically a glorified strip joint, even if only as a waitress. Nervously, Penny checked her makeup in the rearview mirror of her car and straightened her blouse before entering the Cal Tech administrative offices.

A perky receptionist, so young that she might have been a student, offered Penny a seat in a tiny waiting area. The girl informed Mrs. Davis that her ten o'clock appointment had arrived. A few minutes later, the human resources director appeared at the reception area. Her business suit and immaculately coiffed hair made Penny glad that she had worn something professional. Mrs. Davis looked Penny over with a calculating expression, then offered her hand with a well-rehearsed smile. Penny rose to greet her, mentally urging herself not to screw this up. She followed the human resources director back to her office.

Once Penny was seated in a chair across the desk (which she noticed was an especially low chair), Mrs. Davis began to speak.

"So you're Penny. I have to say, you could have knocked me over with feather when Dr. Cooper came to ask me about hiring another assistant."

Penny squirmed uncomfortably. "Oh, well, Sheldon means well, but he isn't always the most tactful person. He's changed lately, though. Maybe not so you'd notice, but he really is improving."

Mrs. Davis arched an eyebrow skeptically. "In the past, I've found Dr. Cooper to be extremely resistant to change. What do you think is the cause of his sudden turn-around?"

She watched with interest as color washed over Penny's cheeks. "I guess he just found the right motivation."

Mrs. Davis turned her attention to a folder in front of her. It was the same portfolio that Sheldon had given her the day before, offering to fund Penny's salary by cutting back his own paycheck to make up the difference. There had been times when Cooper had behaved like a child, causing embarrassment to the university. To her way of thinking, anyone who could get him to start functioning as an adult deserved a chance at the very least.

"Let's see... Dr. Cooper tells me that you have a background in theater?" she asked.

Penny nodded, relieved that the conversation was getting back to safer territory. "Yeah, I had a couple of years of classes at a community college. I quit school when I moved out here to California. I was so sure I was going to be a big star in a year or two, and then I wouldn't need a degree. I guess you can see how that turned out," she said, with a self-deprecating shrug.

"Well, we don't have any job openings in the theater department currently, but Dr. Landrew in women's studies has been looking for an assistant. She recently published a critically acclaimed book called The New Eve. The university has decided to reward her success by giving her someone to help her with the more mundane task of teaching."

Mrs. Davis said this all with a completely straight face, devoid of expression. Penny could see that the woman wasn't very happy with the idea of a professor who was shirking her responsibilities. She smiled hesitantly and said, "That sounds like a great opportunity. I'd love to give it a try. What kind of work would I be doing?"

"You can discuss that with the professor, but it will probably be preparing materials for her lesson plans, along with fielding calls about her new book. I'm just going to have you fill out this paperwork now. She has office hours starting at eleven o'clock, so you can go talk to her and find out if you'll be a good fit."

After Penny quickly scrawled the appropriate information on the forms, Mrs. Davis escorted her across campus to the Humanities building. The professor's office was at the end of a long hallway on the second floor. The professor's desk was covered with stacks of papers, magazine and textbooks. On the floor were several boxes, one of which was open and revealed the professor's book. It had a striking cover showing only an apple with a bite taken out of it. The professor was sitting at her desk, typing into a laptop and wearing in a canary yellow pants suit, which complemented her mahogany skin tones. She wore a pair of red cat eye glasses, pushed up onto her head atop close-cropped ebony curls streaked with gray.

Mrs. Davis politely tapped on the jamb of the open door and waited until she had the professor's attention. "Dr. Landrew, this is Ms. Penny Larsen. I thought she might be able to give you a hand."

At those words, Dr. Landrew smiled broadly. "Well, it's about time. Come in and have a seat, Ms. Larsen. Oh, and thank you, Janine. Shall I send her back to HR when we're through?"

"That won't be necessary," Mrs. Davis replied. "Just let me know if she'll do." With those less-than-encouraging words, she left Penny alone with the professor.

Dr. Landrew looked over her glasses at Penny. "Now, let's see. I assume you know how to use a computer? Can you look up files, print things out? Answer a phone in a courteous manner?"

Penny nodded at each requirement.

"Good. I need thirty copies of the notes for lesson thirteen of Women and the Economy," she said briskly.

"I... was that it? I'm hired? And you want me to start now?" Penny asked in bewilderment.

"Unless you have something else you'd rather be doing," the professor answered in a stern voice, but not unkindly. "Janine-that's the HR director-wouldn't have brought you down here if she didn't think you could do the job."

"I... no, I mean, thanks. Thank you so much! I won't let you down, I promise," Penny exclaimed.

"Just do your best, Ms. Larsen. Now, you can go ahead and use my computer to pull up those notes while I meet with my students." Penny took the indicated seat quickly, noting with surprise that during her brief conversation with the professor, three students had materialized and were lined up at the professor's door, waiting to talk to her.

Penny was amazed at how busy she was over the next hour and a half. Dr. Landrew deftly assigned her tasks while advising what seemed like a constant stream of students. When the last one was gone, the professor took Penny out to lunch at one of the school cafeterias. Penny was rather relieved that it was not the same one that "her boys" frequented. She hadn't really talked to Leonard much since he had started dating Alex, and explaining that she now worked at the university might be an awkward conversation.

Over lunch, Penny's new employer encouraged her to talk about herself. Dr. Landrew had given Penny permission to use her first name, so Penny found that she quickly felt comfortable telling Akeela all about her life. She talked about her lackadaisical career, her final end of her on-again-off-again relationship with Leonard, and her friendship with Sheldon that was turning into something more.

"I've always thought the best marriages started with a friendship, not some crazy, starry-eyed notion of romance," Akeela said, nodding sagely. "Some relationships will just keep sucking you back into the same destructive habits, and some will lift you up and help you become something better. I'm not just talking about romance, either. The same principles apply to friendships. They can either build you up or tear you down." Penny nodded, trying not to feel weepy as she thought about her friends. She had known for years that being around Bernadette and Amy made her feel stupid and aimless, but she had also believed they were justified in mocking her life choices. Almost all of her friends had a PhD, while she worked a minimum-wage job that didn't really even pay the bills.

"Now, as for your career, having a college degree may not help you become a better actress. But I highly recommend educating yourself and learning more about the world around you. You might even consider taking some of my classes," Dr. Landrew said with a knowing smile.

"I was taking college classes before," Penny said thoughtfully. "But I was just doing it because all my friends are so much smarter than me. I compared myself to them, and it made me feel really dumb. I'm just starting to realize that's part of my problem. I don't need to be like them, but I do need to have some direction in my life." She paused, chewing on her lower lip. "I think I would like to start taking classes again. I have to say, I never thought I'd hear someone who has a doctorate tell me that education is more about improving yourself than having a string of letters after your name."

Dr. Landrew frowned a little at Penny's speech. "It sounds to me like you've been hanging around a bunch of rather insecure people. Maybe they've even been putting you down to try to feel better about themselves. I have the feeling that you used to have more confidence in yourself than you do now. Don't take their crap; stand up for yourself. I know what I'm talking about. Empowering women is my life's work. Now, how about you and I take a walk down to the academic office and see what courses you'd like to take next semester."

As Penny picked up her lunch tray and followed her new employer-slash-mentor, she began to feel hope rising up inside. It had been such a long time since she had felt that way. She wanted to turn cartwheels all the way across campus.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: I wasn't expecting this to be a completely Penny-centric chapter, but I'm glad it turned out that way. She really needs to start making some positive changes in her life. I only wish she could do so in canon too.


	10. Chapter 10

Penny tapped her fingers on her coffee cup nervously. She was sitting on a park bench, waiting to talk to Amy. When Penny told Sheldon her plans, they'd almost had an argument about it. But after working her way through some of the books Dr. Landrew had loaned her, she was sure this was the right course of action. She wanted to be up front with Amy about her feelings for Sheldon. She knew Amy would feel hurt, but she hoped she could save their friendship. After all, the neurobiologist had seemed equally attracted to Penny as she was to Sheldon; even more so, perhaps, in the first year or two that Penny had known her. This made Penny think that Amy's relationship with Sheldon was more about Amy's desperation for affection. She hoped to explain the situation in a way that would spare Amy's feelings.

She spotted Amy crossing the lawn, waving at her with a big smile on her face.

"Bestie!" Amy cried. "My day is perfect now that I've seen your beautiful face and luscious figure."

Penny worked very hard not to roll her eyes at Amy's flattery, or whatever the hell that was. "Sit down, Amy; we need to talk," she said, patting the spot next to her.

"That sounds serious," Amy responded, setting her purse down on the wooden planks of the bench and smoothing her A-line skirt.

"Yeah, it kind of is. Look, Amy, we've been friends for a few years now, right?"

Amy beamed. "Three years and counting, bestie."

"Well, the thing is... there's a guy who says he likes me, and I'm thinking about going out with him. It's someone that I've been friends with even longer than I've been friends with you."

"And you want my advice?" Amy interjected eagerly. "Oh boy, I wish I could go back in time and tell my thirteen-year-old self that someday beautiful people will look up to me!"

"Umm... yeah, that's not really it," Penny replied uncomfortably. "I wanted to talk to you because I thought you deserved to hear it from me in person. The guy who asked me out is Sheldon."

Amy froze. For several long seconds, she didn't move, didn't even seem to breathe. Finally, she forced an awkward little laugh and said, "I'm sorry; I must have misheard you. I thought for a moment you said 'Sheldon', but we couldn't possibly be talking about him, right?"

"You heard me right. It's Sheldon," Penny said somberly.

Amy gaped at her. "I don't understand. How could Sheldon possibly be interested in dating anyone else? It took me over a year and a half to get him to agree to be my boyfriend!"

"I can't answer that question, Amy," Penny said slowly, feeling a twinge of guilt. "I care about you enough to let you know what's going on, but I also need to tell you that if you're going to make me choose between you and Sheldon, I can't... I won't... choose you. I really care about both of you, though. I want us to still be friends."

Amy stared at her, a wounded expression on her face. "How did you think I would feel? You can't expect me to be happy that my best friend is dating my ex-boyfriend!"

"I know you must be feeling hurt. I'm not asking you to be happy about it, and for the record, Sheldon and I aren't in a relationship yet. I'm just trying to be honest with you. I like you, Amy, and I want to stay friends. But that can't happen if you can't come to terms with this. I know it puts you in a tough spot, and I'm sorry. You know I broke up with Leonard recently, and I never wanted to hurt him either. But what I'm really trying to do is figure out my own life. Leonard and me weren't right for each other. Sheldon broke it off with you, too, for the same reason. I hope you can see that Sheldon and I didn't immediately jump into a relationship with each other. For the first time in my life, I'm trying to think about my actions. I want to make better choices."

Amy's face had cleared a little, and by the time Penny had finished her impromptu speech, she looked more thoughtful than angry or hurt.

"I think I understand," she said slowly. "I can't give you an answer today. I'm not that nice of a person to just give you my blessing to date him. I don't even know if I could stand to be around you and Sheldon as a couple. But I'll think about what you said. I'd like to stay friends with you, Penny... and Sheldon, too, if he wouldn't mind."

"I can't speak for him, of course, but I think he'd like that," Penny said with a smile.

She knocked on Sheldon's door. It was a weird new habit she had just started. She rather hoped that at some point, she would feel comfortable breezing into their apartment like she used to, but she was still wary of finding Leonard making out with Alex like a couple of randy teenagers. She was jerked out of her reverie as Sheldon opened the door. He smiled at her, that sweet open expression that made her heart skip a beat.

"You're just in time," he said. "Halo starts in seven minutes."

"Whackadoodle," she said affectionately as she entered the apartment. Her boys were all gathered in the living room. Alex was there as well. When she saw Penny, she mumbled a greeting before ducking her head shyly. Penny didn't miss the fact that Leonard squeezed Alex's hand reassuringly. _Aww, that's what he needs _, she thought. _Someone who depends on him, who looks up to him. _She smiled at Alex and told her she was happy to see her. Snatching up a piece of pizza, she added, "But just because I think you and Leonard are cute together, doesn't mean I won't blow your head off with a grenade."____

Alex looked startled, and Leonard hastened to explain that she was only going to watch the game. Penny hid her smirk as she thought, _Of course she's just here to cheer for Leonard. She's not the type to compete with her boyfriend. ___

Howard cleared his throat. "Now that everyone is here," he said, glancing around the room, "I have some news I'd like to share. I've been chosen to head up a new research team that will be coordinating with JPL working on solar system escape architecture."

Everyone let out cries of delight. When the noise had died down, Sheldon spoke into the silence. "Howard, that is indeed a prestigious honor, and one which I believe your previous work has well merited. I congratulate you, sir." With that, he leaned over and extended his hand to the engineer. Howard accepted it and shook hands with Sheldon with a look of shock on his face. Then he swiftly excused himself, blinking rapidly and muttering something about an eyelash in his eye.

Penny watched it all, feeling almost giddy as she saw Sheldon making an effort to be kind to Howard. He had gone above and beyond her expectations. She played a rather pathetic game of Halo that evening, for her eyes kept darting over to Sheldon. The last piece of her puzzle had fallen into place, and she could hardly wait until she could speak to him alone.

After the gaming was over, she mentioned, in what she hoped was a casual way, that her laptop had been acting up and asked Sheldon if he could take a look at it. As soon as he had followed her into her apartment, she closed the door and stood facing him.

"Where is your laptop, Penny?" Sheldon asked, looking around.

Some things never change, she thought, smiling. He was still rather clueless, but now she found it adorable.

"It's not really broken, Sheldon. I just wanted to talk to you." She came closer and closer to him. He backed away a few steps until he realized what she was doing. Then he stopped, and Penny walked up to him until their bodies were almost touching. "You haven't changed your mind, have you?" she asked, a little anxiously.

For a wonder, he seemed to know what she was talking about. "No, I haven't changed my mind about you."

"Good," she said. "Because I've made up my mind about you. You're different now, and so am I. I think we're ready to move forward."

She hooked a finger into the neckline of his t-shirt and pulled him down to her level so she could kiss him. Their first kiss as a couple was sweet and chaste, yet Penny could feel the potential surging behind the restraint, an untapped ocean of passion that had her feeling faint at the slightest touch of his lips. She clung to him, dazed. She had always been the big ol' five. For her, sex was a recreational activity. But in this moment with Sheldon, she sensed that this relationship could become something so much more than she had ever known. For a moment, she was scared. She could feel the course of her life changing, shifting, and it was frightening. But as she gazed up into the deep blue eyes that looked down at her with intensity and tenderness, she knew it was a journey worth taking, worth giving up her old life for. She was ready to start something new; not just a relationship, but a new Penny. A new life.


	11. Chapter 11

Penny heard the familiar triple knocking pattern. Grinning, she crossed to the door and waited until Sheldon had finished his ritual before opening it.

"Hi, sweetie, come on in," she said, stretching up on her tiptoes to kiss his cheek.

"Thank you for making dinner, Penny. It smells delicious," he said, giving her a sweet smile.

"I'm just lucky your favorite meal is so easy to make," she laughed. "Spaghetti, Mama Italia marinara sauce, and cut-up hot dogs."

"How was your day, Penny?" he asked seriously. She grinned even wider at his question. It hadn't been easy for him to wrap his mind around the idea of being in a relationship with someone as impulsive and free-spirited as Penny. They had worked out a kind of compromise. Sheldon had to ask her how she was doing before talking about himself. In another relationship, that may have been weird and one-sided, but Sheldon needed a lot of practice putting others first. The compromise was that he was allowed to follow a script. He liked knowing what he was supposed to say ahead of time.

"I had a great day!" Penny enthused. "After I had a talk with my agent, she promised to be more pro-active in sending me a wider variety of parts to audition for. I'm actually going to an audition tomorrow. It's still just a commercial, but maybe I'll be lucky this time."

"Now, Penny, remember what we talked about. Your career is not determined solely by luck. Did you attempt the research that I recommended?"

She nodded and showed him a notebook with a page of hand-written notes. "I think I have a pretty good idea of what type of actor he likes to work with, someone with lots of energy who takes direction well. So it might help me get the part if I come across as enthusiastic but focused."

Sheldon took Penny's hand and squeezed it encouragingly. "Penny, I am certain that your renewed dedication to your chosen profession will eventually result in a career in which you can support yourself solely through acting."

"Aw, thanks, sweetie," Penny said, beaming at him. She really wanted to kiss him, but she knew that being in a physical relationship was still scary and new for Sheldon. So instead, she squeezed his hand back before serving their dinner.

"You know, sweetie, you've been around the apartment a lot less than usual. Hasn't Leonard said anything to you yet?" Penny asked as she dug into her food.

Sheldon shook his head. "To the best of my knowledge, he hasn't been back to the apartment in a few days. I believe that Alex is still slightly uncomfortable with the idea of being friends with me, so they have been spending most of their time together at her place."

"Well, even if Leonard is clueless, Raj and Howard will probably notice something's going on between us. We'll need to tell them sooner or later. How are you feeling about breaking the news to your friends?"

"Even though Leonard appears to be strongly infatuated with Alex, I am still concerned that he may cause a scene when he finds out. The first time he saw you, he said that the two of you would have smart and beautiful babies.

Penny grimaced. "Wow, that's… really delusional. Well, Alex is smart and pretty, and better suited for Leonard. I just hope he doesn't put his foot in his mouth and screw things up with her."

After dinner, Sheldon helped Penny clear off the table. Then he asked what they were going to do that evening. Penny hid a smile. This was another ritual, one which never failed to amuse her. She told him they were watching a marathon of The Real Housewives of Atlanta. Predictably, he groaned and accused her of trying to lower his IQ. She waited, still smiling, until he finally caved.

"Penny, may we please watch Battlestar Galactica instead?"

"Of course, sweetie; it's already set up for us."

"I don't know why you make me ask every time," he grumbled.

"It's good practice," she said, patting his knee. "Maybe in time, it'll help you deal with the Leslie Winkles and Barry Kripkes of the world."

They sat side by side on Penny's loveseat. Penny had her arm linked through his and leaned her head on his shoulder. From time to time, Sheldon would smile down at her and stroke her hand. It was adorably cute. For Penny, it was also an exercise in self-restraint. She hoped that she was also learning something, like how to have a relationship that was about more than just sex. Certainly she and Sheldon talked more than she had ever done with Leonard when they were together. Given the way Sheldon's mind worked, it was clear they were both making more of an effort than either of them had in their previous relationships.

After their show, Penny turned to Sheldon. "Sweetie, I was wondering if you might consider spending the night here with me."

He looked at her wide-eyed and swallowed hard. "What would that entail?" he asked nervously.

"You and me, sleeping in our pajamas in a queen-sized bed. We'd talk a little before falling asleep and maybe we'd cuddle, if you're up for it," she replied, watching his face carefully to gauge his reaction. He frowned thoughtfully. After what seemed an eternity, he nodded and said he would try it. He crossed the hallway to go pack an overnight bag.

When Sheldon emerged from his bedroom a few minutes later, bag in hand, he halted in surprise. Leonard was in the living room, sitting at his desk and typing on his laptop. He glanced at the duffle bag in Sheldon's hand in confusion.

"Hey, buddy, what are you doing up so late? It's ten-thirty; are you going somewhere?" Leonard asked.

It was a perfectly reasonable question, but it was also one Sheldon wasn't prepared to answer. "It's an emergency preparedness kit for Penny," he answered, face twitching wildly as he lied to his friend. "What are you doing here anyway? You've been staying over at Alex's apartment for the past eleven nights."

Leonard gave Sheldon an odd look, but merely explained that Alex had a cold and had sent him home because she didn't want him to get sick too.

Trying to act casual, Sheldon made his escape and went over to Penny's apartment. He was so rattled he didn't even knock, just closed the door behind him and leaned against it, breathing hard. Penny emerged from the bedroom, wearing a robe over her pajamas.

"Sweetie, is something wrong?" she asked after she took one look at his face.

"I'm doomed," Sheldon moaned. "Leonard is in our apartment. I told him this bag was an emergency kit for you. Obviously, he'll know something's up if I don't come back soon, but I would have to leave the duffle bag here in order to make it look convincing. And if I leave the bag here, I won't have my Tuesday pajamas. It's Tuesday, Penny; I have to wear my Tuesday pajamas!"

"Okay, first of all, sweetie, I know you have an extra set of pajamas in case of emergencies. You could just go home and wear those instead. The other option would be to just tell Leonard that you're staying over here tonight," Penny said, trying to be rational.

"Tell Leonard? Are you mad, woman?" Sheldon cried in sheer panic.

"Well, Leonard seems pretty happy with Alex now. He was so smug when he was dating Priya and I was still single that I wouldn't mind letting him know I've moved on, too. We can't keep our relationship a secret forever," she said.

"But it's barely been a week," he protested.

"Fine, go back to your place. If you're lucky, Leonard isn't already contagious," Penny said with a smirk.

Sheldon stared at her for a long moment, then he said slowly, "Leonard left Alex because she was sick. Perhaps it was because he didn't want to be infected, or perhaps it was because he knew coitus was not an option."

"Yeah, so?"

"You always take care of me when I am sick. Even when you had the same illness, you still made me soup and brought me tissues and sang 'Soft Kitty' to me. I was miserable, but I always felt better when you were there. Why didn't I see it before?" he asked softly. Suddenly, he dropped the duffle bag and strode over to his girlfriend. He cradled her face in his hands and kissed her passionately, long enough to make her toes curl. He stepped away and gazed down into her eyes.

"Excuse me, Penny, but there is something I need to do." With that, he walked briskly out of her apartment. Before he could let his nerves get the better of him, he yanked open the door of his apartment. Leonard was still at his desk and looked up, startled by Sheldon's abrupt entrance.

"Leonard, there is something I need to tell you. Penny and I are dating, and I'm spending the night at her place." The words tumbled out of his mouth in a rush, and then he whirled and fled for the safety of Penny's apartment.

And that was how Leonard Hofstadter found himself pounding on his ex-girlfriend's door at eleven o'clock at night, yelling frantically, "Sheldon! Penny! What's going on? Sheldon, you didn't say bazinga!"


	12. Chapter 12

Penny was putting clean sheets on her bed when she heard the commotion: first the sound of her front door slamming, the sharp click of the deadbolt, and then Leonard shouting and hammering on her door.

She ran out into the living area to find Sheldon spread-eagled across the door as if he expected to be invaded by barbarian hordes.

"Sheldon, what the hell?" she spluttered.

"I... I took your advice. I told Leonard we were dating, and that I was spending the night here."

The look on Penny's face was almost comical. Her eyes widened and her mouth fell open. She glanced back and forth between Sheldon's face and the door. Finally, she covered her face with her hands and let out what sounded like a muffled scream of frustration. Alarmed, Sheldon rushed over, uncertain what to do. As he drew near, he could hear her muttering "Why me, why me?" under her breath. Then she dropped her hands, walked past him to the door, unlocked it and yanked it open.

"Is there a fire?" she asked acidly.

Leonard froze with his fist in the air, as he had been about to knock on her door once again. He hid his hands behind his back sheepishly. "Oh, uh... Penny, hi. What... what fire?"

"Earthquake? Tornado? Zombie apocalypse?"

He blinked at her in confusion, then craned his neck, trying to see past Penny into her apartment. "Is Sheldon here?"

It was petty, but she straightened to her full height, knowing he wasn't tall enough to see over her head. "Is that why you were trying to break my door down in the middle of the night, because Sheldon being in my apartment is an emergency?" she retorted.

"He... he said you were dating!" yelled Leonard.

"So?" replied Penny, raising one eyebrow.

"You... you can't date Sheldon! And Sheldon most definitely can't be sleeping over here!"

Penny crossed her arms and glared at Leonard. "We broke up, Leonard. You don't have any say over my life anymore."

"What about Sheldon's life?" Leonard asked. "He has the emotional maturity of a four-year-old, you know. Don't I have a right to rescue my clueless friend from becoming your boy toy just because you're trying to make me jealous?"

Penny suddenly found the door being jerked out of her hands as Sheldon, eyes blazing an electric blue, joined the fray.

"That is quite enough, Leonard. I am neither a child nor mentally incompetent, therefore I do not need a caretaker. I am here with Penny by my own choice. Furthermore, I highly doubt that if I were with someone other than Penny that you would care what I did. In fact, I believe you'd be hoping that I would become involved in an amorous relationship, because it would decrease the amount of time I spend in our apartment."

Leonard's shoulders sagged as he looked from his ex-girlfriend to his roommate. "Look, can we discuss this like adults?" he asked. "I just don't want to see Sheldon get hurt."

Penny wavered for a moment, then stood aside. "All right, come on in."

Leonard padded into her apartment and sank down onto her loveseat, looking dazed.

"I don't understand," he said finally, making eye contact with Sheldon. "You don't do relationships... not real ones, anyway. Sorry, Sheldon, but I don't think that whatever-it-was you had with Amy counted."

"And you don't really do abstinence, either," Leonard added, looking at Penny accusingly. "From my perspective, either this is one of Sheldon's bazingas gone horrible wrong, or you're taking advantage of him in some sick way."

Before Penny could respond, Sheldon answered him. "I assure you that Penny is not taking advantage of me in any way. She has been caring and considerate of my... preferences."

Leonard looked from one to the other, bewildered, then his face relaxed. "So are you saying you're not sleeping together?"

"That's none of your business," Penny snapped, while at the same time, Sheldon said, "No."

A smug smile crossed Leonard's face. "Well in that case, I guess the two of you can do whatever you want. But I'm warning you, Penny, I think you're just setting yourself up for disappointment. For you, dating means little more than sex with only one partner. I don't think Sheldon's capable of that, and even if he was, I don't think you're the one he'd want to be with. Just don't come crying to me when it doesn't work out. Alex and I are very happy together now."

Penny leaped to her feet and pointed at the door. "Get out, Leonard," she said, enunciating every word.

He shrugged nonchalantly as he let himself out. As far as he could tell, their relationship was a disaster in the making, one of Titanic proportions. He believed that Sheldon would die a virgin, and Penny had temporarily taken leave of her senses, and that was just fine with him. More than anything else, this confirmed to him that he had made the right decision, choosing Alex over Penny. After all, Penny must really be in some kind of downward spiral to try dating Sheldon. Alex, on the other hand, was working toward her doctorate but still thought he was one of the most brilliant physicists in the world. Penny had thought he was smart, too, but everyone she knew was so much smarter than she was that it really didn't mean as much coming from her. Yes, Alex was perfect for him, Leonard thought smugly as he returned to his apartment.

Sheldon stared worriedly at the door after Leonard had left.

"Are you okay, sweetie?" Penny asked, slipping her hand in his.

He nodded. "After nine years of friendship, I have gotten accustomed to Leonard treating me as if I am something less than human when it comes to emotions. Indeed, I strove to cultivate that impression in the past. My concern is how he will react when he learns that I have every intention of participating in the more intimate aspects of a relationship with you... eventually," he added, looking at her nervously.

She squeezed his hand. "You really mean it?" she whispered, feeling a thrill of excitement at his words.

He smiled down at her. "Yes, Penny. I have come to believe that I missed an important opportunity two years ago when I mishandled asking you out on a date. Now I have been given a second chance, and I do not intend to let it slip through my grasp." He glanced down at their intertwined fingers, and let out his breathy gasping laugh. "No pun intended," he added with a grin.

Penny felt her heart skip a beat when he laughed. He did that so rarely that it sounded more like he was having some sort of asthma attack than laughter. But it gave her a warm glow inside to know she made him happy. She hadn't felt like this with Leonard, no matter how nice he had been, or how many gifts he had given her, or how eager he had been to please her. How many more years of her life she might have wasted trying to make things work out with Leonard if Sheldon hadn't taken a risk and told her how he felt? Now, she was falling for Sheldon in a way she wouldn't have believed possible just a few months ago. She wanted to tell him, but she kept remembering Mrs. Cooper's warning her that she had to approach him slowly, like a baby deer. So she merely smiled back at him.

"Come on, sweetie; it's way past your bedtime," she teased, tugging on his hand.

Once Sheldon had changed into his pajamas and robe, and thoroughly cleaned her bathroom so he could brush his teeth and floss, he reappeared in her room, glancing anxiously around. Penny was already in bed, still wearing her robe and flipping through a magazine. He watched her for a moment, then produced a book on method acting he had been hiding behind his back.

"I usually read for a half-hour before bedtime," he explained, almost shyly. "I thought you might want to join me?"

Reading was the last thing on Penny's mind, but she smiled and thanked him for the gift. She patted the bed next to her, and after a moment's hesitation, he climbed under the covers and lay down, straight as a board. The alarm clock was on her side of the bed, and she spent the next several minutes alternating between perusing her new book and glancing at the time. Finally, she suggested that they break with tradition just this once, since his routine had already been delayed. When he put down his physics magazine, she wiggled over next to him.

"Can I hold you for a little bit?" she asked. He nodded hesitantly, and she wrapped an arm around his waist and curled up next to him. After a few seconds, he turned out the light and put an arm around her shoulders. Penny put her head on his chest and listened to his heart beat. After a few minutes, he spoke into the darkness. "Penny, I don't think I can sleep like this."

She sighed. "Okay, sweetie. Do you want me to move over to my side of the bed?"

"Yes." After a pause, he said, "Are you upset? Be honest with me."

She thought about that for a moment. He really had no experience to speak of with relationships. She pulled away from him reluctantly before she responded.

"I admit, I'm a little disappointed," she said. "But that's not because of anything you've done. I just want to cuddle with my boyfriend. You've made a lot of really big changes in your life lately, and I'm not going to try to push you into something you're not ready for."

She took a deep breath and forged on. While Leonard had really pissed her off earlier that evening, she couldn't dismiss his words entirely. "Sweetie, I need you to be honest with me too. If you get to a point where you're just can't go forward with the physical stuff, I want you to let me know. You've never been in this kind of relationship, and I'd rather go back to being just friends than scar you for life."

"I'm not fragile," he said heatedly. "I have been in a relationship before."

"Yeah, but after three years, you'd barely gotten past hand-holding. I don't think you really wanted to be with Amy. I guess you can't blame her for making every stupid mistake in the book. She was just so desparate for affection that she kept clinging to you even when it was obvious you were all wrong for each other. I mean, how many times did you try to break up with her, only to have her manipulate you into staying together?"

"Four times," he said quietly, although Penny had actually meant it as a rhetorical question.

"So sweetie, here's what I'm going to promise you. I'm not going to play the usual relationship games. I won't flirt or pout or expect you to read my mind. I'll be open with you about what I'm feeling and why. I know you aren't really in touch with your feelings, but all I ask is that you do the same."

"I promise, Penny," Sheldon said solemnly. In the dark, he reached over and found her hand and interlaced his fingers with hers. He closed his eyes and savored the feeling of contentment that stole over him, knowing she was right there beside him. He fell asleep still holding Penny's hand.


	13. Chapter 13

Sheldon gazed disconsolately at his equations. He erased the last line he had written, then stared at the blank space in exasperation.

Raj suddenly poked his head around the whiteboard, causing Sheldon to start and drop his marker.

"Dude, I can hear you sighing from all the way across the room. What's going on? Work doesn't usually give you this sort of trouble."

"Work isn't the problem," Sheldon growled, erasing the entire whiteboard with furious strokes of the felt eraser.

"Oh, was the grocery store out of your favorite brand of fabric softener?" Raj asked, mock-seriously.

"This is not the time for personal chit-chat. We are at work, therefore we should be working," Sheldon snapped.

"And just what have you accomplished so far today?" Raj asked loftily, crossing his arms as he leaned casually against his desk.

"Nothing," Sheldon retorted with a disgusted sigh. He picked his marker up off the floor and opened his desk. He got out an antibacterial wipe and carefully cleaned the marker before putting it back precisely on the tray.

"Well, I can tell something's bothering you. Why don't you tell Dr. Raj all about it?" he asked, settling on the desk with one foot propped up on the opposite knee. Sheldon recognized Raj's "listening" posture, and realized that his friend wasn't going to leave him alone unless he divulged his secret. Normally, this wouldn't be a problem, since his crises were usually along the lines of being obliged to use an inferior brand of fabric softener. But word had spread like wildfire among their small group of friends that he and Penny were dating. Most of them had been shocked. Leonard continued to make disparaging remarks occasionally, and his relationship with Alex had intensified to the point where Sheldon scarcely saw Leonard alone. So of all Sheldon's friends, Raj seemed the best one to turn to for advice.

Shoulders drooping in defeat, Sheldon admitted, "It's Penny, or rather, my discomfort with her."

Raj leaned forward, an expression of avid interest on his face. "We're not talking about her pumicing her feet in the living room, are we? You mean sex, right?"

Sheldon wanted to deny it, but it was one of the few times in his life he felt out of his depth. His research online had led him to a panoply of images and descriptions, each more cringe-inducing than the last. He had almost started to hyperventilate as he tried to imagine doing some of those things with Penny. So he told Raj, haltingly, about the research he had done and his struggle to come to terms with the idea of intimacy with Penny.

Raj listened seriously, nodding every now and then. "So you really care about her, but the idea of touching her is a huge turn-off?" he asked.

Sheldon shook his head. "I... I have kissed her several times, and I liked it. It's just when I think about all those strange pictures and all those weird things that people do to each other... Why on earth would anyone get aroused by someone else burning them?"

Raj's mouth and eyes formed three perfectly round circles as he thought of Sheldon stumbling across some of the nastier fetish sites on the internet. "No, no, no, Sheldon. I'm pretty sure Penny doesn't want anything like that from you," he protested.

"All those pictures are just so icky," Sheldon complained, his inner child coming out in full force.

"Okay, well forget about those," Raj instructed.

"Have you forgotten I have an eidetic memory?" Sheldon cried in distress.

"Holy cow, dude, get a hold of yourself," Raj said severely. "Now, you said you liked it when you kissed Penny, right?" Sheldon nodded, not meeting Raj's gaze. "And have you ever wanted to do anything more than kiss her?" Sheldon swallowed hard and nodded again.

Raj's eyes bugged out a little at his friend's confession, but he managed to control his voice as he asked, "So what is stopping you from acting on those impulses? I can't imagine that Penny would be upset if you wanted to take things farther."

"No, I'm certain that is what she wants. But I don't know how to prepare myself for... engaging in physical intimacy. Every time I try to think about it, I think about germs and those pictures on the internet, and I feel overwhelmed and start to have a panic attack."

Raj frowned. "Penny's been very patient so far, but you can't leave her waiting forever."

"She said she would rather go back to being just friends if I can't go forward with what she calls the physical stuff," Sheldon affirmed.

Raj hopped off the desk and started rummaging around in one of the lower drawers. After a few seconds, he straightened up, an amber prescription bottle in his hand. He twisted the lid off and shook a small white pill into his hand.

"Here," he said, holding it out to Sheldon. "This will help."

"What is it?" Sheldon asked warily, not moving.

"It's one of my anti-anxiety pills. You remember, the one that made me start taking off all my clothes. It'll be perfect for you."

"I don't do drugs; I promised my mother," the physicist protested.

"Look, Sheldon, this isn't LSD. It's a legitimate prescribed medication to treat anxiety, which is exactly what is preventing you from doing the deed with your hot girlfriend, who is going to dump you if you don't put out," Raj said, sounding a little annoyed.

Sheldon stared at the pill for a long moment. The idea of taking some sort of pharmaceutical made him feel faint, but the idea of losing Penny was even worse. He reached out and gingerly plucked the pill from Raj's hand.

A few hours later, Sheldon was standing in his kitchen. There was a glass of water and a tiny white pill on the counter in front of him. He had been staring at them for quite a while, and he knew he had to make a decision before Leonard and Alex returned from their date and saw what he was doing.

In his mind, it all came down to one simple question: how much did Penny mean to him? He had already asked her out and kissed her when she was still technically dating his roommate, and waited for her to get her life together and repair the tattered shreds of her self-esteem. For her sake, he was attempting to stop telling everyone why they were wrong and to be less abrasive. He offered to let her re-style his wardrobe and give up a large percentage of his salary so she could have a job where she was treated like a human being, and he was trying to get used to sleeping in her bed. He may not be in touch with his feelings, but he knew there wasn't another person on earth who could get him to embrace all this chaos. His Meemaw had been right about the stubbornness of Cooper men. There was no way he could simply give up on his relationship with Penny. If he had to break a promise to his mother in order to be with Penny, then so be it. Leaving his fate in the hands of a deity he didn't believe in, he popped the pill into his mouth and washed it down with the water.


	14. Chapter 14

Later that evening, Sheldon knocked on Penny's door, overnight bag in hand. She answered already dressed in her pajamas, wet hair hanging down her back from a recent shower.

"Hi, sweetie," she said, her eyes lighting up at the sight of him. She gave him a quick peck on the cheek as she let him in.

He usually felt a warm glow in his chest when she smiled at him, but tonight there was nothing. It was mildly disconcerting. He asked her how her shift at the Cheesecake Factory had been.

"Oh, you know, the usual: screaming toddlers, wandering hands, spilled food. But I have an audition tomorrow for a guest role on a sitcom. Dr. Landrew says she doesn't mind if I come in a little later, as long as I make up my hours."

Sheldon changed into his pajamas while she waited for him. Currently, their arrangement was that he slept over Monday and Thursday nights. They settled into the bed on their respective sides. Sheldon read an interesting article published by a Korean physics team, while Penny read from The Feminist Mysique. Finally, she put her book aside, signaling their thirty minutes of reading was up. She always cut the time a little short, but he didn't complain. In fact, it had become another part of their routine.

She cuddled up against him, and he knew it was his time to act. He tilted her chin up with one hand and kissed her. She sighed happily and pressed even closer. Then he deliberately ran his tongue along her lower lip. Her eyes flew open.

"Are you sure?" she whispered, still so close that her breath fanned his cheek.

"Yes," he answered. Logically, it made sense. The best time to attempt to broaden the parameters of their physical relationship was when Raj's prescription muted his panic response. He let her take the lead as they kissed again and tried to copy her movements. It was strange, but not unpleasant. Deciding it was time for the next step, he trailed his fingers down her neck, and then lower, insinuating his hand between the material of her tank top and her soft curves until he was touching her the same way he had done years ago when she dislocated her shoulder. This time, however, instead of being shocked, Penny moaned and arched into his caress. At least, she did for a moment. Then suddenly, she pushed his hand away, and sat up.

"What's going on, Sheldon? This isn't like you," Penny said.

"I feel fine," Sheldon replied, a little confused by her reaction.

"That's not what I asked you, and you're not fine. You're... different. Why are you suddenly okay with touching me?"

He wondered how she had ferreted out his secret, but answered truthfully. "Since I was having some difficulty with the physical aspects of a romantic relationship, Raj gave me of his anti-anxiety medicine. He said it would help me to overcome my misophobia."

Penny stared at him in growing horror. "I don't believe this. Sheldon, you promised me you were going to be honest with me."

"I did. I just told you everything."

"No, I meant you were supposed to be honest about how you feel about being with me. I didn't want you to drug yourself!" Suddenly, she pulled away from his grasp and got out of bed. She stormed over to her bedroom door and yanked it open.

"Go home, Sheldon," she ordered.

He peered at her in confusion. Hadn't he done everything she asked of him? "Why?"

Her eyes glimmered with unshed tears. "Because I don't want you to have to take drugs in order to be with me," she said quietly. "I told you that I would rather go back to just being friends than break you. Even though you chose to do this to yourself, it's not okay. I want you to leave. We'll talk later."

"Are we still dating?" he asked. He should have been worried, but all he could feel was a mild curiosity.

"We'll talk later," she repeated. After that, there seemed to be nothing else to say, so Sheldon gathered up his things and left.

When he re-entered the apartment, Leonard and Alex were locked in a close embrace on the couch. Leonard glanced up when he walked in, then did a double-take when he saw Sheldon carrying his overnight bag.

"What happened? Wasn't Penny home?" Leonard asked, squinting in confusion.

"She was, but she asked me to leave," Sheldon replied succinctly. Although he was feeling neither reluctant nor wary at Leonard's questioning, he still preferred to keep his personal life private. "Excuse me, but it is past my bedtime," he added, quickly making his escape before his roommate could ask him anything else.

Leonard stared after Sheldon with a puzzled frown on his face. "I don't know what's going on, but I think someone has to get to the bottom of this," he muttered. He began to get up, but was stopped by Alex laying a hand on his arm.

"Don't," she said quietly. Seeing his surprised look, she elaborated. "I don't want you rushing to talk to Penny at the first sign of trouble in her relationship with Sheldon. You have too much history with her to be objective. If you're really over her like you say you are, then prove it. Stay here with me, and let them work out their own issues."

Leonard suddenly had a fresh perspective into Alex's personality. She was so reserved that she rarely disagreed with him, so perhaps he had made the mistake of thinking she didn't have much to say. He was a little uneasy at how accurately she had summed up his motives, but that also gave him a new respect for her. Mentally, he weighed this new information for a moment before deciding.

"I love you, Alex," he said. "And I'd much rather go to bed with you than get involved in their crazy excuse for a relationship."

The way she smiled at him and pulled his head down for another kiss let him know he had made the right choice.

The following morning, Sheldon was puzzled but grateful that Leonard didn't ask him about what had happened the previous night with Penny. He was so relieved that he even found himself engaging in banal chit-chat with his roommate on the drive to work.

He was also feeling relieved that he could feel relieved. Although Sheldon was tense and unsure about his relationship status, at the same time, he actually appreciated the events of last night, if only for one reason. Before last night, he believed he was an impassive person, one who lived a rational life, free of sentimentality. By taking Raj's medication, he had temporarily blocked his ability to feel anything, good or bad, and he discovered how much he had been in error about his own emotional state. He hadn't realized how much emotion was involved when he was with Penny until it was taken away. Even kissing her had seemed nothing more than a mechanical act. Taking that pill had been a mistake, but it also taught him how much he truly cared for Penny, as well as how much he had been willing to sacrifice for her. It looked like Meemaw had understood him better than he understood himself when she talked about Cooper men. Now, he hoped he could make Penny see it too.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: This chapter's kind of short, but I felt bad about leaving you all in suspense about what happened after Sheldon took that pill. And no, I really didn't see it having the same effect on him as it did to Raj (undressing while talking to girls).


	15. Chapter 15

Tonight was the first girl's night that they'd held in a while, and Penny was feeling anxious. Not only would this be the first time she was hanging out with Amy since she told Amy she was dating Sheldon, but Alex was also joining the group, a tacit acknowledgment of her new status as Leonard's girlfriend.

Penny was the last to arrive at Bernadette's apartment, perhaps a subconscious sign of her reluctance. Almost as soon as Bernie had answered her knock at the door and let her in, the petite blonde started asking if Penny had broken up with Sheldon.

Penny winced as Amy, whose head had been bent over her knitting, jerked to attention. "What do you mean, you broke up with Sheldon?" the brunette asked loudly.

Alex, who was seated on the sofa, looked silently from Amy to Penny with wide eyes.

"I didn't break up with him," Penny responded quietly, not sure if her news would make Amy feel upset or relieved.

"Sheldon dosed himself with one of Raj's anti-anxiety pills, and then Penny kicked him out," Bernie piped up, and Penny glared at her.

"I don't think this is the right time to discuss this..." Penny began.

"Why would Sheldon self-medicate?" Amy asked naively, but as she took in Penny's embarrassed silence and Bernadette's knowing smirk, she gasped in shock.

"I don't believe it," Amy cried. "Sheldon would never..." She broke off, looking away with a troubled expression on her face.

The three women glanced at each other uncomfortably, then Penny sat down next to Amy and patted her shoulder. "I don't know if this helps, but nothing happened between us. I already told Sheldon that I like him the way he is, and that I'd rather go back to being friends than have him try to force himself to do something he's not comfortable with. Honestly, that's what makes what he did so weird. Why would he drug himself when I made it clear I didn't want him to feel pressured?"

"When I was working for Sheldon, I found I had to be very precise with the words I used," Alex spoke up unexpectedly. "Is there any chance that he could have misinterpreted what you said?"

Penny wrinkled up her nose as she thought. "I told him that if he got to a point where he didn't feel like he could move forward, then I would rather just be friends than break him." She darted a glance at Amy. "I did that once before, and it was really heartbreaking. I was trying to help Sheldon overcome his fear of public speaking when all of a sudden, he started sobbing that his mother was going to abandon him."

"That doesn't sound like Sheldon at all," Amy objected.

"Well, you know how he likes to pretend he doesn't have feelings, but I think it's really just a defense mechanism," Penny said.

"He never had any emotional break-throughs with me," Amy muttered sullenly.

Once again, an awkward silence fell. Amy broke the stillness by suddenly blurting out, "I've been seeing someone."

"You have? Why didn't you tell us before?" Bernie cried.

Penny and Amy exchanged identical looks, a blend of exasperation and amusement. For once, they were completely in sync, thinking that Bernadette's tactless questioning had led them into an awkward conversation neither had wanted.

"His name is Dan," Amy continued. "I met him when he was filling in for my regular podiatrist while she was on vacation. I was dating Sheldon at the time, but Dan gave me his number, and for some reason, I kept it. After Sheldon and I broke up, I gave him a call and we met for coffee. We've had dinner a few times since then. He's really nice," Amy said, turning slightly pink with a foolish grin on her face.

"Definitely should have led with that," Penny quipped.

"It seems like you're really into him. What's he like?" asked Alex, leaning forward interestedly. As Amy started chatting about her new beau, the previous tension melted away, and the four of them began to enjoy their time together. Once Alex felt comfortable opening up to the other women, she gushed about how kind and thoughtful Leonard was. Bernie talked about Howard's new project, and the important connections he was making. When Penny hesitantly made some comments about the positive changes she noticed in Sheldon, her friends were supportive.

"Wow, we used to get together and complain about our significant others," Bernie said suddenly. "Now look at us acting all grown up."

"Yeah, we're knitting instead of clubbing," Penny quipped, holding up the tangled snarl of yarn she was working on. But she grinned as she said it.

"I think we're all happier now, even me," Amy said. "I thought I was in love with Sheldon before, but to be honest, he never treated me very well. And Dan's already kissed me even though we've only been on a few dates. He says I have stately grace and a classical profile," she added, blushing again.

As Penny looked around the room at her friends, she marveled how much all their lives had improved in just a few short months. For her, Sheldon was a big part of the positive changes she had made. She was starting to feel badly about the way she had handled the situation with Sheldon. They were both trying to be more mature, which meant they were both bound to make mistakes, but she was hopeful that they could work things out.

* * *

 

Penny unlocked her apartment, feeling tired but happier than she had been in a long time. She stumbled to a halt, however, when she opened the door and discovered Sheldon was sitting on her sofa in the dark.

She switched on the light. "What are you doing here alone in the dark, sweetie?"

He blinked against the sudden brightness. "I needed to talk to you, so I decided to wait here until you got home," he explained.

"Yeah, I know, sweetie. Listen, I talked to Alex earlier this evening, and she said you might have misunderstood what I said."

"You said quite a few things. In fact, I remember every word you've ever spoken to me. You'll have to be more specific."

Penny sighed and shook her head in exasperation even as a smile crossed her lips. She sat down next to him on the sofa. "Look, Sheldon, all your life, you've had these weird little quirks, like having to knock three times. And you never had any interest in taking some pill to change that. I think that when you were little, your mother kind of messed you up by having you tested to see if you were insane. Maybe you do have OCD or Asperger's or something like that, but my point is, up till now you've always liked who you were. You had enough self-confidence to accept yourself, and I don't want that to change. I've always admired how certain you are about your life."

"I have made changes for you, in order to attempt this new relationship paradigm. Now you are once again altering the parameters of our pair-bonding. From my perspective, your actions seem like coercion," he said.

Penny groaned. "I think I'm beginning to see why you made a relationship contract with Amy, because you wanted to spell everything out ahead of time. Look, I thought we could talk about kissing and stuff later, after you felt more comfortable with me. When you took that pill Raj gave you, I don't know whether to be flattered or horrified. I think sex is part of a normal relationship, and if we continue dating, I hope that someday you'll want to sleep with me. But since I know touching is hard for you, I wasn't going to put you on some kind of schedule. And I didn't want to freak you out by talking about sex when I knew you weren't ready for that. That's what I meant about honesty. I want you to tell me how you feel about things."

"I... I feel that I don't want to lose you. I don't wish to demote our relationship status to mere friendship," Sheldon said quietly, refusing to look her in the eye.

"I know you hate change, sweetie. But I also saw the way you were with Amy, when you had a relationship contract. She manipulated you to keep the relationship going, and you responded by dragging your feet and acting like a child. That kind of behavior is not okay."

Sheldon frowned. "In that case, it behooves me to point out that your failed relationship with Leonard exhibits similar characteristics to my defunct pair-bonding with Amy. You were reluctant to engage in a greater emotional intimacy with him. While freely participating in coitus, you were nonetheless avoiding the issue of your partner's need for commitment."

Penny stared at him open-mouthed, suddenly at a loss for words. "I never thought of it that way," she finally murmured.

"You have spoken of your desire to be honest about our respective feelings. Well then, I must inform you that I was disconcerted by your treatment of Leonard. To paraphrase what you said, he manipulated you to keep the relationship going, and you responded by dragging your feet and acting like a child."

"Wait a minute," Penny cried, dragging a hand through her hair. "Are you telling me you want a commitment from me? What are you talking about?"

"I am talking about marriage, of course," he stated.

She stared at him wildly, then jumped up and stared pacing. "Sheldon, what the hell? We've only been dating for a few weeks!" she cried. "How can you possibly be thinking about getting married?"

"I dislike uncertainty, and I have already informed you that I no longer find the idea of a mere friendship with you acceptable," he replied. "For me, a desire for marriage is a logical extension of those concepts. I apprehend that for you, the decision must rely upon a certain measure of emotion. I propose that we compromise thusly: within a set time frame, we will each agree to give serious consideration to the other's requirements. At the end of that time period, if either of us still has reservations, we will... we will cease our affiliation," he faltered. His throat felt strangely constricted as he said those last words.

"From your perspective, what is a reasonable time frame to ascertain your feelings about commitment?" he asked.

"Umm... five years?" she offered hesitantly, sinking down onto the sofa next to him again.

He favored her with a sardonic glance. "Would you be willing to wait five years for coitus?"

She snorted indelicately. "I think the longest dry spell I've ever had is six months."

"Counterproposal: one year," he replied.

She bit her lower lip as she thought about it. For her, it was way longer than she wanted to wait for sex, and not nearly enough time to decide if... holy crap, was she really sitting here talking about marriage with Sheldon? The thought nearly made her hyperventilate. But wasn't that probably how he felt about sex? She was suddenly getting a very weird but accurate idea of what it must be like to be Sheldon Cooper.

"A year and a half," she said, feeling like her heart had leapt up into her throat.

He met her shaky gaze with an intense one of his own. "Agreed," he said softly.


	16. Chapter 16

Several weeks later...

Penny had barely gotten in the door when her phone began to ring. When she saw it was Amy calling, she was so exhausted that she briefly considered not answering it. But she hadn't spent much time with her friends lately, so guilt made her pick up. She all but groaned as she listened to Amy and Bernie (on speaker phone) tell her of their plans for a party that seemed like it was already under way in apartment 4A.

"Look, normally, I'd be up for a party, but I just got home from a long shift, and I'm really tired," Penny protested.

Lately, she'd had been working more than she ever had in her life. She was still working at Cal Tech for Dr. Landrew, and she was taking two college courses. She also continued to go to every audition her agent could drum up for her and had landed a small part in a commercial. It wasn't much, but it was progress. In the meantime, she picked up a shift at the Cheesecake Factory here and there. In between her three jobs, she was actually managing to keep current on all her bills for the first time in her life. It did cut down on her social life, though. While she enjoyed spending time with her friends, her time was precious and her energy levels were finite. Now that she was actually working hard towards her goals, she found she would rather spend a quiet evening curled up on the sofa watching Star Trek with Sheldon than go out partying.

"Just come for a few minutes, please, Penny," Amy begged. "We really want you to be there."

Penny gave in with a sigh. She threw on some clean clothes, tossing her soiled waitressing uniform on the floor. She pulled her hair into two low, loose ponytails and shrugged at her reflection in the mirror. Good enough, she thought.

The party was over in Leonard and Sheldon's apartment, which was odd because Sheldon usually didn't allow parties. Of course, maybe this was more of a get-together, Penny mused as she walked through the door. Bernie and Howard were perched on the sofa, and Amy was talking animatedly to Raj in a corner. Sheldon was standing near his desk with his arms crossed. Leonard was feeding some tidbit to Alex (the sight made Penny slightly nauseated), and, as always, she was gazing at him like he hung the stars in the sky. After exchanging puzzled glances with Sheldon, Penny crossed over to Bernadette and Howard.

"So what's going on?" she asked them.

"Oh, you'll see," Bernie said with a mysterious smile.

Just then, Leonard cleared his throat loudly. "I... ah... I just wanted to thank you all for coming here tonight. As you know, you're all my closest friends in the world, and I couldn't imagine a better way to do what I'm about to do."

At his words, a niggling suspicion reared up in Penny's brain. It was confirmed a moment later as Leonard suddenly sank to one knee in front of Alex, holding her hand in his.

"Alex, I love you so much. You are my soul mate. Will you marry me?" he asked.

Penny stared in shock at the tableau in front of her, watched Alex squeal and accept, watched Leonard slide a ring on her finger and kiss her. As her friends crowded around the happy couple, she caught Sheldon's eye. He looked as surprised as she was. She studied the faces of the people gathered in the apartment. Feeling numb, she pasted a smile on her face and said a brief congratulations to Leonard and Alex. Then she slipped out of the apartment.

Sheldon saw her leave. Although he was not familiar with social protocol, the whole evening seemed a strange turn of events. He noticed Raj was now standing by himself, as Amy and Bernie were admiring Alex's diamond ring. He sidled over to Raj.

"Correct me if I'm wrong-and I rarely am-but doesn't it seem peculiar to invite one's former paramour to a fete in which one is proposing to one's current lover?" he asked.

Raj frowned. "Yeah, I thought it was weird too, dude. I mean, no one wanted to exclude Penny, I'm sure, but at the very least, it had to be awkward for her."

"So it was Leonard who organized this little soiree?" Sheldon asked with a frown.

"Oh, no, it was Amy and Bernadette. Howard helped Leonard pick out the ring earlier this week. When the girls heard, I guess they wanted to turn it into a party. It had to be Leonard's idea, though, to propose to Alex here in front of everyone."

Sheldon shook his head in disgust. He had always considered public proposals be in the worst kind of taste. Not only did one party run the risk of being rejected and humiliated in front of an audience, but he felt that something so intimate, so personal, should be kept private.

"Are you telling me that Amy and Bernadette truly wished Penny to be a witness to this hasty and ill-advised spectacle?" he asked incredulously.

Raj shrugged, at a loss for words. Sheldon shook his head. He was well aware of the custom which required that he offer congratulations to Leonard and his new fiancée, although he disapproved of the manner in which they had carried out the procedure. Still, he made his way over to his roommate, spoke the appropriate words and even offered him a hearty handshake. He favored Alex with a smile which made her shrink back a little; apparently, she hadn't seen his "kill Batman" grin before. Then, confident that he had fulfilled his social obligations, Sheldon stole out of the apartment unnoticed.

His keen hearing had detected Penny ascending the steps after she made her exit. He thought he knew where she might have gone. He climbed a few more flights of stairs until he could go no higher. Pushing open the roof access door, he looked around. His heart gave a sickening leap in his chest when he saw her sitting on the edge of the roof, her feet dangling in mid-air. He called her name softly. She didn't turn around, but he saw her wipe a sleeve across her face. As awareness dawned that Penny had been crying, Sheldon felt a cold shock wash over him. If Leonard's engagement to Alex upset her this much, Sheldon felt it represented a huge step backward in their own relationship.

He carefully made his way over to Penny and sat down on the dirty surface gingerly, angling his long legs behind her body. He had no doubt that the filthy rooftop was covered with germs, but he could always burn the pants he was wearing and buying new ones later, he decided. Right now, the need to discover what had upset Penny was foremost in his mind.

"Are you all right?" he asked awkwardly.

Penny nodded, but her face crumpled. She buried her face in his shoulder and began to cry. If Leonard had been there at that precise moment, Sheldon would have cheerfully decked him. Instead, he put his arms around her and murmured soothing nonsense.

Eventually, her tears subsided. Sniffling, she wiped her eyes with a corner of her jacket and looked up into his face. Something shifted in her expression as she looked at him, and she pulled his head down and kissed him. For a few glorious seconds, his mind went completely blank as he kissed her back. His entire existence narrowed to the sensation of her lips on his, the scent of her hair, and her body pressed up against him.

Then a horrible suspicion wormed its way into his subconscious and hit his pre-frontal cortex like a stab from a knife. This was all about Leonard. She was devastated at seeing him propose to another woman in front of her, and now she was using him as some sort of substitute, a sop to her ego. He put his hands on her shoulders and gently pushed her away. He stood, trying to put some distance between them. It wasn't far enough, so he started backing toward the door.

"Perhaps, in your frame of mind, it would be advisable for you to seek comfort with your female friends," he said. "I have no interest in being a proxy for Leonard, but I am sorry that his behavior caused you distress."

The last thing he saw before ducking through the rooftop door was Penny's face, pale and strained. Sheldon's thoughts were in a tumult. He knew he should return to the party before Leonard misconstrued his actions as some sort of objection to the proposal. On the contrary, since he had asserted from the beginning that Leonard and Penny weren't right for each other, he was actually pleased by his roommate's engagement to Alex. But he had also hoped that Penny was considering him as a romantic partner on his own merits and not merely as a stand-in for Leonard. Unfortunately, her reaction made his hopes for their relationship plummet, and he wasn't sure he could convincingly smile and feign happiness.

His train of thought was interrupted as he heard Penny calling his name. He paused a few steps above the fifth floor landing and turned around slowly. She came toward him, stopping on the step above his so that she was almost eye-level with him.

"Sheldon, did you think I kissed you because I was upset about Leonard?" she asked.

He studied the slight vertical crease in the center of her brow and wondered if she was worried, angry, or feeling some other emotion he couldn't identify. The only way he could answer was with the truth.

"It seemed the most likely supposition. Three years ago, after you had ended your relationship with him, your feelings altered after you saw that another woman, Priya, found him desirable. It is a common psychological response, or so Amy informed me."

Her face softened, the crease smoothed out. "Sweetie, I wasn't upset about Leonard and Alex. Well, okay, maybe my pride was wounded a little. But they're good for each other, and I'm happy for them. Leonard and me tried to make it work more than once, but we weren't right for each other. I wasn't hurt by what he did; I was hurt by the way Amy and Bernadette handled the situation."

Sheldon frowned as he considered this. "I fail to see how the choices they made would have an impact on your emotional state."

She smiled a sad little lopsided smile. "I've been working so much lately that when I got home tonight, all I wanted to do was put my feet up and relax. I came to the party because Amy and Bernadette insisted that I had to be there. They wouldn't tell me why, but I could tell that something was up from the way they were acting."

"I'm certain that Howard and Raj knew Leonard was going to propose, because Raj told me that they went with him to select an engagement ring," he replied thoughtfully.

She nodded. "Which means everyone else knew about it except me..."

"I was also unaware of the event which was to occur," he protested.

"Yeah, I could tell from the look on your face. But ever since I broke up with Leonard, Bernie and Amy haven't been around much, and when they are, they treat like I'm fragile. I think they're both still convinced that I couldn't do better than Leonard, even though I've told them that I-"

She broke off and shook her head. "What they did showed me that they really didn't care about my feelings. Just because they're smarter than me doesn't mean they're better than me. I broke up with Leonard partly because I was so tired of everything being about him all the time. Having my two closest girlfriends treat me the same way was more than I could take."

She lifted her eyes back to his. "I came up here because I was hurt, but I didn't want to cause a scene. Leonard and Alex deserve better than that. You were the only one who came after me. You knew where I would go, and you were the only one who seemed to care that I was hurting. And I realized that you've always been there for me when I needed you. You give without any expectation of getting anything back. And that was why I kissed you, because I..." She paused again, searching his face intently.

"Oh, hell, I may as well say it," she grumbled. She looked into his eyes and took a deep breath. "I love you. I've actually known for a while now. I don't know why it's so hard for me to say it."

He smiled and pulled her closer, tenderness and triumph welling up inside. Her confession gave him the freedom to voice his own feelings. "I love you too, Penny," he said softly.

Her eyes lit up, and her smile was as bright as a Texas sunrise. In answer, she wrapped her arms around his neck. As he brought his mouth down upon hers, he was thinking, I could get used to this. After several minutes, he was taken aback when Penny pushed gently at his chest. He discovered he had her pressed against the wall of the stairwell with both hands under her shirt, caressing the bare skin of her back. He noted her swollen red lips with an inexplicable sense of pride.

She was trying to fix her clothes and hair. "Holy crap, Sheldon, we've been gone too long. What are they all gonna think of us?" she asked with a self-conscious giggle.

He touched her lips with one finger. "They're going to take one look at you and know you're completely over Leonard," he said in a low voice like a satisfied purr. He kissed her once more, and then tugged on her hand, pulling her back down the stairs toward the engagement party.


	17. Chapter 17

Leonard knocked on Penny's door the next morning, feeling nervous. He hadn't really considered how she would react to his proposal to Alex. Part of him felt like it was none of her business, but the other side of him wanted them to still be friends.

Penny opened the door, looking surprised to see him. "Hey Leonard, what are you doing here? I thought you were still out flying kites with the guys."

Not the most auspicious way to begin a conversation, Leonard thought, but he hoped she would be willing to listen to what he had to say.

"I, uh... I came back early because I wanted to talk to you in private," he replied.

Her expression changed, becoming more wary. "Don't tell me you've come to check up on me, just to make sure I haven't slit my wrists because you're engaged to Alex," she said wryly.

"Uh... no, no, that wasn't what I was thinking at all," he backpedaled, wondering why she would say something like that.

Penny crossed her arms over her chest and arched an eyebrow. "The last time I let you in to talk, you just wanted to stick your nose in where it didn't belong."

He fidgeted. "I know, and I'm really sorry about that. I didn't handle that very well. Will you please let me in?" he asked, a little whining note creeping into his voice.

Penny wondered how she had ever found his ingratiating attitude cute. She stepped back, allowing him in. "You have ten minutes," she warned.

Leonard nodded. He paced anxiously around the living room for a while. Finally, he said, "I know what happened last night came as a surprise to you. I hope you didn't feel... upset."

She sighed. "So you are here to check up on me. Leonard, I'm dating Sheldon now, and it's different, I admit, nothing like what we had. That doesn't mean that I want you back or that I have regrets. I think Alex is good for you. I was upset last night, but not because you proposed."

"Oh." Leonard ran a hand through his mop of brown curls and pushed his glasses up higher on his nose. "That's good, I guess. Was it Sheldon?"

She shook her head. "No. It actually had to do with the fact that Bernie and Amy not only left me out of the planning, but they didn't even tell me what was going on. They've been distancing themselves from me for a while now, and it hurts."

Leonard thought about that, chewing on his lip. "Don't be too hard on them," he said after a pause. "You've always been popular, the center of attention. You have no idea what it's like for people like us."

"Don't I?" Penny asked wearily. She sat down on the sofa, and Leonard took the chair facing her. She looked him directly in the eyes. "The first time I went all the way with a guy, it was with someone I had a huge crush on. But the next morning, it was all over school, and I found out the hard way he'd just been using me. I was only fifteen. Not only did he break my heart, but all my friends started gossiping about me behind my back. No one wanted anything to do with me any more. No one, that is, except all the other jocks who thought I was easy. And after a while, some kind of attention seemed better than nothing. My so-called popularity was based as much on my willingness to put out as it was my looks. Just because I was a cheerleader in high school doesn't mean I had it easy."

Leonard was staring at her with his mouth agape. In all the time they had been dating, she had never told him that story. He struggled to explain. "Look, what I meant was that Amy and Bernie don't see things the way you do. I mean, you were the very first friend that Amy's ever had. I think they're still stuck in that high school mentality; they're kind of jealous of you. And it's more than just your looks. You seem to glow from within... or at least, you used to. I saw that inner spark fade away while we were dating, but I didn't know what to do about it. Which brings me to the reason I wanted to talk to you. I came here to thank you."

Penny's brow furrowed in confusion. "What do you mean, thank me?"

Leonard took a deep breath and looked down at his hands. "I know I've still got some issues from my past, from the way my mom raised me. Because of that, every time I was in a relationship that lasted more than a few weeks, I started thinking about marriage. I want a family, and I want someone who will always be there for me. When I met you, you were so beautiful. I thought from the moment I saw you that you must be my destiny. I was so convinced, I ignored all the signs that we weren't really right for each other. I tried to make up for it with extravagant gifts, like paying your bills or flying you home to see your parents. I thought that if I did something big enough, made the right grand gesture, that you wouldn't be able to say no to me any longer. Then you would understand that we were meant to be together forever."

"That night, when you proposed to me, it should have been everything I dreamed of. Instead, it was all wrong. You were only turning to me because everything else in your life was falling apart. I think you felt like if you couldn't be successful in your own career, then having a fiancé with a good job would somehow reflect on you and make you less..." He trailed off, unwilling to offend her.

"Pathetic?" Penny filled in for him. "Yeah, you were right. It really wasn't fair of me to propose to you the way I did. I was just using you to feel better about myself."

"Well, I shouldn't have tried to pressure you into a commitment you weren't ready for. That's what I came to say, Penny. If we'd gotten engaged the first time I proposed, or the second, or the third... Well, let's just say we would have eventually made each other miserable. Part of that was because neither of us were really happy. We were both trying to make a relationship fill up all of the empty places inside. All of our friends could see from the way we both behaved that we didn't really have a lot of love or respect for each other."

He took a deep breath, then continued. "You weren't my destiny; you were more like an addiction. And if you hadn't been strong enough to finally break the cycle, we would still be trying to force a dysfunctional relationship to work. Instead, I'm with Alex now, and she's beautiful and smart and so easy to be around. I'm not constantly on edge around her, wondering if I've done enough to make her happy. There's no tension anymore; we're just right for each other."

"What you have with Sheldon is different, but the two of you belong together. You complete each other. I wasn't able to see that before, but now that I have Alex, I realize that feelings alone aren't enough to make a relationship work. Penny, you have the same thing with Sheldon that I have with Alex. I apologize for the way I acted the last time I was here. I truly hope the two of you are very happy together."

Penny's eyes had filled with tears during the last part of his speech. "Thank you, Leonard," she sniffled. He held out his arms, and she walked into his embrace, squeezing him tightly.

When he let go of her, he said, "Umm... there's one other thing I thought you might like to know. I'll be moving out soon. Alex and I are looking for our own place together."


	18. Chapter 18

Penny walked into Dr. Landrew's office in a daze, her eyes fixed to an ordinary-looking piece of paper in her hands. The professor looked up as she entered, then her gaze sharpened when she saw the expression on Penny's face.

"Penny, dear, you look like you've just seen a ghost. Is something the matter?"

"Oh, um, hi Akeela. I just... I..." Unable to continue, Penny handed the paper over to her friend.

The older woman scanned the paper quickly, and then a broad grin spread across her face. "This is wonderful news. If you take a full course load over the next two semesters, you'll have enough credits to earn your degree."

Penny sank down into a chair. Instead of looking happy, the expression on her face registered more like terror. "You don't understand. My family's full of screw-ups. My brother went to jail for cooking meth. My sister shot her husband. I've been living beyond my means out here in California for almost ten years, waitressing and pretending I'm an actress."

Akeela frowned a little at Penny's statement. "You aren't just pretending, dear. You have had a few successes, the latest being that small guest role on whatever sitcom that was. And from what I've seen and everything you've told me, you've grown a lot in the past several months, and that's something to be proud of."

"But that's just the thing," Penny wailed. "I'm used to being a screw-up. I mean, my dad thought that dating Leonard was the best thing I'd ever done with my life up to that point. He didn't have any real hope for me beyond marrying well. For that matter, my two girl friends sort of treated me the same way. If people actually start to expect something of me... What if I mess up? Everything seemed so much easier when my dreams were these far-off misty things that I didn't actually have to face."

Dr. Landrew was not a physically demonstrative person, but she rose and walked around her desk to sit down in the chair next to Penny's. She laid a comforting hand on her protégé's shoulder. "Of course, you'll mess up," she said gently. "Everyone does. Having advanced degrees hasn't stopped some of your friends from doing some monumentally stupid things, has it? What you need to do is decide ahead of time how you are going to react when you do make a mistake. If you blame yourself and refuse to move forward, you will allow your mistakes to define who you are. You've got so much more to offer the world, Penny. Don't let your fears keep you from reaching your dreams."

Penny nodded and surreptitiously wiped her eyes. "You're right. I used to think I had my life all figured out, but it turns out, fate is not my personal fairy godmother. It's time for me to stop wishing and be in charge of my own life." She stood up. "I'm going to do it. I'm going to take those classes, and in a year... I'll be a college graduate. Thank you. I have no idea what I'd have done without your help. I think I'll go sign up for those classes after I'm done with my work. Uh... how many classes do you think I can squeeze in around my work schedule?"

Akeela smiled. "I believe I can keep you on the payroll working as little as ten hours a week. At this point, it's not so much about the salary as it is the benefit of taking free classes. Why don't you go down to the registrar's office right now and sign up for next semester? This filing ain't goin' nowhere," she said, gesturing with a wink.

Penny smiled back rather tremulously. She turned toward the door. Then she paused, spun back toward her mentor, and caught her in a silent, grateful embrace before rushing out the door.

* * *

 

The next regularly-scheduled girl's night with Bernadette and Amy occurred a few days later. Penny was ready to talk things out with her friends. Although she appreciated Leonard's advice, it was Akeela who had really put it into perspective for her. She had spent years feeling inferior to her friends. Because she knew that they were smarter than her, she believed they must be better than her, too. Although in retrospect, she wasn't sure how she could continue to think that after watching them blunder through social situations for so long. And while her future bachelor's degree might be chicken feed compared to their doctorates and master's degrees, she had never felt more proud of something she had achieved. Even her few acting roles, acquired as much through luck as hard work and persistence, didn't give her the same feeling of accomplishment.

At first, they didn't understand when Penny tried to explain how hurt she had felt when they excluded her. It soon became clear that they had been keeping secrets from her out of a misguided attempt to spare her feelings.

Amy spoke first. "We never meant to hurt your feelings, bestie," she said in a mournful tone. "It's just that I know you must have still had feelings for Leonard. I can't imagine that dating Sheldon did much for your self-esteem. There's no one who's in a better position than I am to appreciate how difficult and emotionless he can be. Frankly, now that I've moved on, I have to say, I think you deserve better."

Penny's eyebrows rose at that pronouncement. Apparently, Amy had been too wrapped up in her new boyfriend to notice the changes Sheldon had made in his life, and too naive to know what Penny's tousled hair and Sheldon's reddened lips meant.

Bernie looked abashed, staring at the wall past her friend's shoulder. Finally, she said, "I'm sorry, Penny. If it helps, you should know that we talked about it more than once, but I've never dealt with that kind of situation before. I guess we did handle it badly."

"Is that how you would have wanted a friend to act, keeping things a secret from you and then springing it on you at the last minute?" Penny asked, directly but not unkindly.

Bernie sniffed and shook her head. "I never thought about it that way. I guess we were so wrapped up in trying to decide what was best for you and Leonard and Alex. I never thought put myself in your shoes. I'm really sorry." Her eyes glistened with unshed tears, much to Penny's astonishment. Bernie was rarely this emotional.

Penny thought to herself that this was exactly what Akeela had meant by monumentally stupid things her friends did. Well, she had made some pretty dreadful mistakes in the past, too. She just hoped that she was past the worst of it.

"Apology accepted," Penny replied. "But the two of you have to believe me when I say I want to be with Sheldon. Staying with Leonard would have been the easier choice in some ways, but it wouldn't have been best for either of us. I actually talked to Leonard a few days ago, and he thanked me for breaking the half-hearted rebound cycle we had going on. It took me years to say 'I love you' to Leonard, and that was only after Raj guilt-tripped me. With Sheldon, I was able to say it after only a few months, because the way I feel about him isn't forced. The last time I said I loved a guy before he said it to me, I was in the ninth grade, and I got my heart broken. This time... well, I have a feeling that this time it's for real," she concluded with a rather sappy smile.

Bernie and Amy both nodded and promised to stop trying to fix Penny's life. She hugged them both, and the friendship was restored. Her friends would have to travel their own paths to maturity, but maybe, just maybe, she had learned enough to help them along their way.


	19. Chapter 19

Leonard was the one to break the news to Sheldon that he and Alex were getting their own place. Sheldon should have been expecting it. Neither Leonard nor Alex had wanted a long engagement, and so their wedding was less than two months away. Leonard had at least had the foresight to ask Sheldon to be his best man before he told him the "bad news". It seemed like Sheldon was taking it well. He had been very quiet since the announcement, and while Leonard was concerned about how his best friend was feeling, he did have other things on his mind.

Penny knew that Sheldon would find the change disturbing, at the very least, but lately he had also shown that he was coming to terms with the recent upheavals in his life. She gave Sheldon a few days to mull it over in his own mind before broaching the subject of Leonard's moving out. She was taken aback when he immediately suggested that she move in as his new roommate.

"Sweetie, I'm not going to take Leonard's place. You get that, right? If I move in with you, it should be because we want to move in together as a couple, not just so you have someone to split the cost of rent and drive you places," Penny said gently.

"As you are already aware, I have begun to drive myself to work. I no longer need someone to function as my chauffeur. It is also unnecessary for me to have a roommate for financial reasons. I am given to understand that cohabitation is a step that a couple uses to assess their compatibility before making a more permanent, legally binding affiliation," Sheldon replied.

"But we haven't even…" Penny began, then stopped. Sure, she was trying to do things differently in the relationship department, but could she really move in with someone she'd never slept with? Okay, never had sex with, she amended in her mind. In fact, they hadn't even gotten to second base yet. As much as she didn't want to pressure him, she also didn't want to repeat the same mistakes that Amy had made in settling for a relationship where Sheldon set all the terms.

Penny looked at Sheldon directly as she made up her mind. "I don't think we're ready to move in together yet. I think I would start feeling like your roommate instead of your girlfriend, and to me, that would feel like we were going backward."

Sheldon considered her words for a moment before asking, "Are you saying that you require physical intimacy before you are willing to consider cohabiting with me?"

"No. Yes. I… I don't know. I've never dated a Sheldon before," she said, trying to make light of the issue. "I promised you that I wouldn't rush you, but right now I feel like you're rushing me a little."

Sheldon frowned. "In which aspects of our relationship are you feeling insecure?"

Penny sighed. "Just time, sweetie. I think I just need more time. Maybe you should ask me about moving in again in a few months."

Sheldon wasn't completely happy with that answer, but he could also understand it, so he let the subject drop.

A few days later, Penny came home one evening after a long day of work and classes. As she walked into her apartment, she almost stepped on an envelope which had been slid under her door. She opened to find an elegant invitation, written in calligraphy, for a dinner at Sheldon's place. A huge smile spread across her face as she read it (and who knew Sheldon could do calligraphy?), and she hurried to change into her favorite black dress.

An hour later, she knocked on Sheldon's door since the occasion seemed to demand something more well-mannered than just barging in unannounced. Sheldon answered the door wearing one of his new suits with the cobalt blue shirt, and for a moment, Penny just stood there, drinking in how handsome he looked.

"Good evening, Penny," he said seriously, and then he bent down and kissed her. She slid her hands around his waist, loving how she could feel the heat of his body through the thin cotton of his shirt. Oh yeah, Sheldon in a suit definitely did bad things to her libido.

As he ushered her inside, she saw to her amazement that there were candles all around the living room and kitchen area. A quick peek confirmed that they were actually battery-powered. She was sure open flames were too much for Sheldon's paranoia, but the candles gave off a lovely glow and the overall effect was very romantic.

"This is amazing, sweetie," Penny said as she gazed around the room. "Is tonight some sort of special occasion?"

He opened his mouth, frowned thoughtfully, and finally replied, "That remains to be seen."

Sheldon had converted two TV trays into a dining table by placing them side by side and covering them with a white cloth. Dinner was their usual order from Siam Palace. While they ate, Sheldon began asking Penny some very unusual questions. Did she always want to be an actress? Who were her closest friends in elementary school? Did she had a pet as a child?

She answered the first few questions, but as her curiosity started to build, she had to know what was going on. "Why are you asking me about my childhood? Is this some kind of experiment?" she wondered.

"Not at all. I have been researching ways in which we can enhance certain aspects of our relationship. One thing which jumped out at me was knowing about your past. Although I remember everything you have ever said about your upbringing, I know I have also been dismissive of your personal life. Therefore, I have decided that as your boyfriend, it behooves me to learn more about you and to listen attentively."

"Wow… that's really sweet," Penny said. Of course, being Sheldon, he didn't go about it in the normal way. She felt a little like she was getting the third degree, but she definitely appreciated the effort he was making. It made her feel special.

After dinner, Sheldon took Penny by the hand and led her to the couch. They sat facing each other, their knees almost touching. On most of their date nights, this was the time where they would watch some television and cuddle. Penny noted Sheldon's rigid posture and guessed that he was going to deviate from routine. That always made him a little nervous.

Still holding her hand, he said, "Penny, I have been given to understand that you might not be adverse to certain alterations in our interactions. It is my hope that a good-faith effort on my part may do more to reassure you of my intentions that any contract."

"Sheldon, what do you mean? I don't understand," Penny said.

"I want to expand the parameters of our physical interactions. In short, I want to go further than just kissing. You have made concessions for me, and now I must make some for you."

Penny was stunned. That one time they had made out in the dressing room, there had been open-mouthed kissing and just the barest hint of tongue. Since then, Sheldon seemed to keep himself tightly in check. She knew how difficult this decision must have been for him.

"Do you want us to go use mouthwash or something?" she asked sympathetically.

He nodded emphatically. "Yes, thank you. I think that would help," he replied.

In the bathroom, Penny brushed her teeth as well as using the mouthwash. Yes, she did have a toothbrush in Sheldon's bathroom, and he had a full duplicate set of toiletries in hers. They really were inching toward living together, she thought.

Back in the living room, Penny leaned against Sheldon's chest in their favorite cuddle position. She kissed him lightly, teasing his lips with tiny flicks of her tongue until he finally responded. A knot loosened in Penny's chest, one she hadn't known was there until that moment. They had been drifting, content with the status quo, for several weeks. In the back of her mind, Penny had started to wonder if Sheldon would ever actually want to touch her and be with her. She was afraid that their relationship was mirroring the one Sheldon had with Amy, where he had successfully avoided anything more intimate than a handshake for years.

Now, she swung one leg over his lap so she was straddling him as she deepened the kiss. She was mesmerized by the sensual glide of lips and tongues. Sheldon's hands settled on her hips, and soon his grasp tightened as he stopped trying to analyze the situation and allowed himself to simply feel. A long-fingered hand wound through the hair at the base of her neck, and Penny moaned approvingly. She felt something shift against her inner thigh.

Suddenly, Sheldon pulled back. "Penny, I need to stop," he said, wide-eyed with panic. He repeated, "I need to stop."

Reluctantly, she moved away from him. "I really liked that," she told him in a small voice.

Breathing heavily, he nodded. "I did, too."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: I'm including a "deleted scene" here. This happened when I mixed this story up in my mind with the other story I'm currently working on, The North Sea Nullification, where Alice (the comic book artist from episode 5x7) makes a re-appearance. It clearly doesn't work for either story, but I enjoyed it too much to just let it languish. 
> 
>  
> 
> Alex had happily agreed to join Penny and Alice for girl's night, and to Penny, it felt right to have the three of them together, laughing and bonding over wine and gossip. Alice had knocked back a few solo cups full of wine, and now she was starting to loosen up. Girl can hold her drink, Penny thought approvingly. She doubted Alex could do the same.
> 
> "Speaking of wine..." Alice said, holding up her cup, "Did I ever tell you how I met Leonard? Or is that topic off limits?" she asked, looking askance at Penny.
> 
> Penny laughed. "Look, Alice, even though I'm still friends with Leonard, he is my ex. If you want to indulge in a little Leonard bashing, I won't be offended. But my girl Alex here, she's dating him now. And since I think we're gonna be friends, I'll have to ask you to lay off Leonard for now."
> 
> Alice smirked and tapped her plastic cup against Penny's. "Deal. Besides, he's hardly worth it."
> 
> Penny giggled. "One time, Priya and I got together and compared his... shortcomings." She snorted as she said that. Oh, that pun was so wrong, yet so funny.
> 
> "Who's Priya?" Alex asked.
> 
> "Oh, uh... she's Raj's sister. She and Leonard used to hook up whenever she visited from India. When she moved here, they dated for a while, but it just didn't work out."
> 
> "I never heard him mention her," Alex said curiously.
> 
> "Maybe that's because he cheated on her with me," Alice said loudly.
> 
> "What?" Alex cried, reminding Penny eerily of Sheldon with her wide blue eyes framed against dark hair.
> 
> "Alice..." Penny protested. "I thought you agreed, no Leonard bashing."
> 
> The artist shrugged. "It's not bashing if you're just telling the truth, is it?"
> 
> "What... what do you mean? What happened?" Alex asked.
> 
> "I'll tell it," Penny interjected. "After all, I heard Leonard's perspective on the situation. It only seems fair since he's not here to defend himself."
> 
> Alice shrugged, although Penny felt she wasn't ready to let the matter drop.
> 
> "So Priya moved back to India, and she and Leonard were trying to make a long distance relationship work. Then he met Alice at the comic book store and got her phone number. They made arrangements to get together, and they ended up making out on Alice's sofa," Penny said, trying to keep her explaination brief and factual.
> 
> "Yeah, can't believe I fell for his nice guy act," Alice muttered.
> 
> Penny glared at her and continued, "So he came to ask me for advice. He said.." She paused and glanced over at Alex. She looked tense.
> 
> "Leonard said he loved Priya, and he wanted to marry her, but he was also hoping to find a way to sleep with Alice without anyone being upset with him. Since I was also his ex, I was in no position to give him advice. I told him to do whatever he wanted. So he made a second date with Alice, but he chickened out and told her about Priya."
> 
> "At which point, I forcibly ejected him from my apartment," Alice added gleefully.
> 
> Alex frowned and sat in pensive silence for a moment. Finally, she said, "That was a long time ago, right? I mean, Leonard's a different person today than he was..."
> 
> "Three years ago," Penny supplied.
> 
> "Yeah, I mean, people change, right?" Alex asked, looking from Alice to Penny hopefully.
> 
> Alice scoffed. Penny looked away and said quietly, "Sure, people can change. Sometimes they even do change. You know what, Alex? I think you should talk to Leonard about this. He's going to know you heard the story once you tell him about Alice anyway. Maybe hearing his side of the story will give you peace of mind."


	20. Chapter 20

Sheldon was finishing up his work late one afternoon when he received a call from Penny. Upon answering it, he immediately had to hold the phone several inches from his ear because Penny was shrieking so loudly. When he finally convinced her to speak in a normal volume, he understood why she was so excited. She thought she had gotten a small guest role on a sit-com. Even though she had begun to take college classes, she hadn't given up on her dream of acting. Sheldon felt an expanding sensation in his chest and realized that he was proud of her. Then he not only told her so, he suggested that they celebrate by going out to dinner at a restaurant of Penny's choosing.

That evening, he watched her as she sat across from him at the table. She wore a midnight blue dress that hugged her curves, but the feature that entranced him the most were her eyes. They flashed emerald highlights at him, drawing him in with their vitality, their enthusiasm. This was one of the things he loved most about her. Everything in his life was orderly, organized and... sterile. Penny was like a force of nature: unpredictable, chaotic and life-affirming. It reminded him of his work. Scientists didn't yet understand sub-atomic particles, and the ways they acted and reacted often seemed strange and mysterious. Yet there were patterns there, a logic that might be someday revealed to the most dedicated observer. He didn't yet fully understand her, but he hoped to spend the rest of his life in the pursuit of that knowledge. It was slowly beginning to dawn on him that in order to understand that chaos, he needed to become a part of it.

After dinner, they went home and he led her to his apartment. When he asked her to use the mouthwash, he hoped she wasn't too offended. He was trying, and maybe someday he would be able to kiss her without using mouthwash first. They returned to the couch, and he drank in the way her dress flowed over her slender calves. His heart was pounding, and he ignored the voice in the back of his head that told him that he might be having a heart attack. No, he was just attracted to Penny, he firmly told himself, and his biological responses were normal and natural. When she curled into his lap and kissed him, he allowed his hands to brush against her silky legs, sliding her dress aside. He opened his mouth to her and wondered how he could ask her to show him more. Finally, he used almost exactly those words. "Penny, show me what to do."

She took his hand and moved it to her breast. He could tell she wore nothing beneath the thin fabric of the dress. His other hand tightened on her hip as his desire increased and his pants began to feel painfully constricting. There seemed to be so much more to the way he felt about her than dopamine and serotonin. Could either of them account for the trust he placed in her, the changes he was willing to make for her sake? His hands were shaking as he slid the straps of her dress off her shoulders. Even as his hands glided across her soft skin, he was watching her face, trying to understand the woman within. He touched her face, whispered her name and waited until she opened her eyes, smoky-dark with desire, to kiss her. "You are so beautiful," he whispered, unsure if that word could ever encompass what he felt. Then he worshipped at the altar of her feminity, paid her the tribute that he longed to give and was rewarded with her cries of ecstasy.

That night, he slept curled around her possessively. It was so easy to want her, to desire her to be his alone. It was much more difficult to take that final step, to give her every part of himself. For many years, his fear of intimacy had been connected to his fear of failure. He was afraid that if he lived his life in a normal way, allowing friendship and romance and sex to distract him, that he would never attain the Nobel Prize. Without the Nobel, how would he prove his worth to all those who had bullied him and mocked him? Yet here he was, thirty years old and no Nobel laureate, without any guarantee that he would ever achieve his dream.

He knew that almost all the great physicists, whether they had won a Nobel or not, had been married. So if his reservations weren't based on factual data, then they must be based on emotion. He hated to admit it, hated how small and weak it seemed to be swayed by feelings. Yet for all his rationality, he couldn't escape the evidence of his own actions. He loved her. He'd even said it, in a great rush of emotion when he realized she wasn't pining for Leonard. She'd said she loved him too. Something that Leonard had only dragged out of her by peer pressure and with the greatest reluctance was something she said to him freely, without prompting, after only a few months together. But he still struggled with wanting more certainty. Although she had been shocked by his talk about marriage, it made sense to him. If he was going to make that emotional leap, bend his mind to mundane concerns and risk losing his chance for greatness, he wanted some reassurance that she wasn't going to change her mind in a month or a year and run off with someone else. His fear of losing her was contradicted by his fear of losing himself.

* * *

 

When Penny woke up the next morning, Sheldon had already left. He must have gotten up early and taken the bus to work so she could sleep in. She rolled over and curled around his pillow, inhaling the clean subtle scent of him, wishing he was there so she could tell him how much she loved him. Last night had been amazing. She had sometimes doubted that Sheldon would ever be able to bring himself to touch her. Then he had not only kissed and caressed her until she came, but he made her feel so deeply loved. She could hardly believe that Sheldon Cooper, former insensitive jerk extraordinaire, staged an elaborate romantic dinner for her and listened attentively to stories about her childhood. She wiped away the brimming moisture in her eyes as she remembered how cherished he had made her feel.

She thought about the way he had reacted when she told him she loved him. She had a theory (and Lord help her, she was actually using terms like theory now) that Sheldon needed the emotional security of commitment. When he felt safe in their relationship, he was able to take another step forward. And didn't she feel the same way about commitment that he felt about intimacy? It was the huge irony of their relationship that they each longed for the one and feared the other, and the only way they could make it work was to meet in the middle.

Last night, Sheldon had given so much to her without asking anything in return. He hadn't once asked her to sign a relationship contract, even though she was sure he sometimes wished for one. She wanted to do something to show him how much she trusted him. He wanted her to move in, but she'd told him no, she wasn't ready. With a start, she realized that she was repeating a pattern. She'd always hated taking relationships seriously, because then the guy would start having expectations of her and sooner or later, she was going to screw it up. That was her, Penny the screw-up. Except that wasn't her anymore, was it? She'd quit drinking, she was three-quarters of the way to a bachelor's degree, and she'd just gotten her biggest acting role yet.

Penny got dressed and went back to her own apartment, where she pulled a pink spiral-bound notebook out of the drawer of her night stand. It was the journal Sheldon had given her months ago when she first started to make changes in her life. Her breath caught in her throat as she realized that he had given her freedom and support to become the kind of person she'd always wanted to be. She flipped through the pages almost reverently. Reading over her first confused and anguished entries made her realize how much she had truly grown over the past several months. Quickly, she grabbed a pen and opened to the next blank page, noting proudly that she had filled most of the notebook with her journaling.

_I've changed. I'm not the same person I was six months ago. I've been scared to move in with Sheldon because that's how the old me would have felt. I was so convinced that I wasn't good enough that I would sabotage any relationship where I began to have genuine feelings for someone. But I know I love Sheldon, and I see how much effort he's putting into our relationship. So I have a choice. I can either do the same, or I can back off and refuse to trust him, which would probably mess him up for life. He's never let himself fall in love before. I'm still a little scared, but he's worth the risk. We're worth it, the two of us together. I wonder what he's going to say when I tell him I want to move in with him?_

With a mischievous grin, she wrote the last line in this entry: _I'll just tell him it's a woman's ~~pre~~ ~~per~~ prerogative to change her mind._


	21. Chapter 21

As she expected, once Sheldon adjusted to Penny's rapid about-face, he was happy, even excited, to have her move in. He even went out and purchased a shelving unit for the bathroom in anticipation of storing her myriad toiletries. So Penny moved in with Sheldon with less drama that she would have thought possible. It was a little weird taking over Leonard's old room, but she hadn't slept over that often. By placing the bed at a different angle and decorating with her own things, the room felt like a new space.

Meanwhile, Leonard and Alex's wedding was fast approaching. Although Penny would never say so, she wondered privately how Alex would cope with having Beverly Hofstadter for a mother-in-law. That had certainly been at least a part of her reluctance to commit to Leonard. Though in retrospect, if she had really loved him, she would have just gotten married and prayed that her mother-in-law never took it into her head to relocate to the West Coast.

While neither Penny, Bernadette nor Amy were part of her wedding, Alex continued to spend girl's nights with them, and she talked incessantly about wedding details. Amy was in heaven, pouring over the wedding magazines and discussing bridesmaid's dresses and catering options with Alex ad nauseum. Penny enjoyed it to a point, but she always preferred the idea of a small wedding, just close friends and family. She imagined Sheldon would feel the same way, and grinned to herself at the thought of him negotiating with his mother, who would doubtless want to see her son married in a church by a pastor, preferably her church and her pastor. Then she sat up with a start. Had she really just been sitting there daydreaming about marrying Sheldon?

For a moment, she felt desperate for some wine. Standing quickly, she excused herself and fled to the bathroom, where she could close the door and be alone with her thoughts for a few minutes. Sheldon. Marriage. She thought about the long history she had with her quirky boyfriend, the silly fights and the way they helped each other. She remembered doing her laundry at 8:15 every Saturday night and that one wrestling match where her first instinct had been to kiss him. She thought about how his support had taken her from being halfway to an alcoholic, with a dead-end job and a destructive relationship, to a woman who was making her way in life fulfilling her dreams of acting, getting a college degree, and in a relationship where she put his needs ahead of her own. After all this, she knew that what had startled her was the absence of blind panic at the thought of getting married.

Just then, there was a knock on the door. It was Bernie. "Hey Penny, are you feeling okay? I saw you jump up and run off kind of suddenly, and now you've been in the bathroom for a while."

Penny opened the door and smiled at her friend. "I'm fine. Actually, I'm great," she said, and meant it.

* * *

 

Sheldon was in the wedding party as Leonard's best man. No one was very surprised when Sheldon refused to wear clothing that dozens of other people had worn before him, so he decided to purchase a tux rather than rent one. Penny thoroughly enjoyed the tux shopping, even though they all looked basically the same and Leonard had already chosen the style of the suit and accoutrements. When Sheldon emerged from the dressing room wearing his tuxedo after the alterations were finished, Penny couldn't tear her eyes away from him. She knew she was in love because suddenly to her, he looked like the handsomest man in the world.

As best man, it fell to Sheldon to throw Leonard his bachelor party. If Leonard had been nervous about that prospect, he was thrilled at the end result. It really was a masterpiece of sci-fi awesomeness. There was a room dedicated to laser tag, a Mystic Warlords of Ka'a tournament and Klingon karaoke (which really had to be seen to be believed, and fortunately, Howard had set up a video feed). Sheldon had also arranged a "celebrity" panel, which consisted of Wil Wheaton and a number of character actors who'd had minor roles on some of the boys' favorite sci-fi shows.

Things didn't go exactly as planned, of course. Raj and Howard had helped with the party, since they were Leonard's groomsmen. So they were the ones who swapped out Sheldon's jello cubes (which were supposed to resemble the food supplements from the original Star Trek) with jello shots, and of course, Howard had hired an exotic dancer. She came covered in green body paint, and Wil, with all his convention experience, said she looked really authentic as an Orion slave girl. Raj was the one who ended up with the most green paint on his clothes, not Leonard, and he cheerfully offered to pay for everyone's dry cleaning. Of course, that might have just been the jello shots talking.

Sheldon was saved from having an apoplectic fit over the exotic dancer because Howard and Raj had locked him in one of the bathrooms. Sheldon had been completely bombed after two jello cubes and had run around for an hour telling everyone he was Batman. Hilariously, he was also able to sing five Klingon karaoke songs with both perfect pitch and pronunciation and won a very nice reproduction bat'leth pin. But when he started talking about astronomy, Howard and Raj each grabbed one of his arms. They dragged him into the bathroom and barricaded the door before he could repeat his "Uranus" stunt from his Chancellor's Award speech.

* * *

 

Two days later at Leonard and Alex's wedding, Penny sat in the audience with Bernadette and Howard on one side and Amy and Dan on the other, watching Sheldon perform his best man duties solemnly. Something changed in Penny's heart as she saw Sheldon up front, looking so handsome and mature. She could hardly keep her attention focused on Leonard and Alex. She was imaging that it was her up there in the white dress with Sheldon by her side. As Leonard and Alex recited their vows to each other, she found there were tears running down her face. Penny knew she was not a romantic at heart. As she blotted her eyes with a tissue Bernie had hastily produced, she realized she wasn't crying because she was happy for Leonard and Alex, but because she wanted to say those words to Sheldon and hear him pledge his love to her.

Sheldon was busy after the ceremony, posing for pictures. (Penny had instructed him to think about koalas so he didn't end up with that horrible "kill Batman" grin.) She drove over to the reception hall with Bernie and Howard, and she was unusually quiet as she thought about her unexpected reaction to the wedding. For the first time in my life, I didn't sit there wondering how long the marriage would last, and the reason I didn't do that was because I was thinking of us instead of them, she thought to herself. Was she just being emotional, or was she finally ready for marriage? She smiled as she remembered the time she and Sheldon had been hanging out in her apartment and she had called them an old married couple. Now, instead of finding that idea aggravating, she found it sweet. Having tea and cookies on hand wasn't a big deal, especially when Sheldon insisted on doing the grocery shopping.


	22. Chapter 22

Penny was both excited and nervous as she dialed her parents' number. She'd just confirmed that in a matter of months, her life was going to change, drastically and she hoped, for the better. She smiled to herself as she thought about Sheldon and how none of this would have ever happened without his love and support.

Her mom answered the phone, and Penny asked her to get her dad on the other line. When she blurted out her news, there was a moment of stunned silence. Then her mom started shrieking like a teenager, and Penny had to hold the phone away from her ear. Her father's silence worried her for a while.

"Hey Mom, Dad's happy for me, right? I mean, I know this isn't exactly what I'd planned to do with my life, but I think it's a really good thing."

"Darling, your dad is just so choked up he can't say a word. I don't remember the last time I've seen him get so emotional. We're both so proud of you, sweetheart."

Wayne noisily cleared his throat a couple of times and said, "I guess this means my little girl is all grown up. When's the big day?"

"December tenth. Do you think you can make it?"

"Wild horses couldn't keep us away," her father said fervently.

"I can't believe it," her mother gushed. "I admit, there were times when we didn't really have much faith in you. And now look at you. You'll be the first one in our family to graduate from college."

Penny chewed on her lip nervously. "Okay, now that you're both in such a good mood, there's something else I have to tell you, and I hope you'll be happy about this too..."

* * *

 

Penny had been very busy over the past few months. It was terribly difficult keeping secrets from Sheldon, who wasn't nosy but did have an almost maniacal attention to detail. On top of her big secret, she was working hard on her college classes, finishing final projects and studying more that semester than she had in her entire four years of high school. In addition to all that, her television debut had given her the acting credentials she needed to start getting a few more bit parts and walk-on roles. If she continued to work hard, she hoped she could support herself on her acting alone. A bachelor's degree, however, was still her greatest accomplishment.

Penny's parents flew out to Pasadena the day before graduation. They especially wanted to get to know Sheldon better. Penny had even stocked the fridge with beer (non-alcoholic for Sheldon), because she knew the best way for her dad to talk to Sheldon would be while watching a game on TV. It was her mother who really made her nervous, though. She was the one who was most likely to ask Sheldon those weird questions that were most likely to give away Penny's plans. And that was in addition to the discomfort Sheldon would probably suffer trying to be polite while answering Penny's mom's queries about his background, family and medical history.

* * *

 

It had been a strange weekend. Sheldon was a little on edge around Penny's parents. Most of his unease came from the fact that he had never had a non-platonic roommate before, even though he and Penny still kept separate bedrooms. He kept expecting her parents to allude to his presumed physical relations with Penny, but fortunately, they never did. The easiest part had been watching football with Wyatt. Once he understood that except for comments on the game, conversation only took place during commercials, he felt more at ease. The non-alcoholic beer was rather silly, and after a few pointed glances from Penny's dad, he had switched over to the real stuff. The rest of the game was a bit of a blur, but he did remember promising Penny's dad that he would take care of her. That was after he had done his best (and failed) to convince Wyatt that Penny was perfectly capable of taking care of herself, although that in itself seemed to make a favorable impression—his good opinion of Penny, that was, and not the arguing.

Penny's mother Connie was more of a mystery to him. While her husband was a man of few words, he was always quick to let people know where they stood with him. Connie, on the other hand, was more reserved, although outwardly kind and gracious. Sheldon didn't know what to think when she told him he could call her "Mom". He already had a mother, so he compromised by calling her by her first name. From the questions she asked, he got the feeling that she was sizing him up, and he wasn't sure whether he had met her unvoiced standards. There were any number of inquiries about his health and that of his family, including a rather lengthy interrogation about his father, after Connie learned he had died when Sheldon was only fourteen.

After some time, Sheldon came to the conclusion that she was trying to ascertain his genetic fitness as the potential father of Penny's future children. It was difficult for him to imagine, especially since technically, he and Penny weren't doing anything that could lead to a pregnancy (either planned or unexpected). Not yet, at least, but he wasn't about to try to explain their relationship status, or their compromise over intimacy versus commitment, to Penny's mother.

 

The next day was Penny's graduation. All of her friends came, even though they had to sit in the overflow rooms and watch the ceremony on a large screen TV via video feed. By this point, they were all in on her plan, and with so many people knowing, she wondered how much Sheldon guessed or suspected. Certainly, she had intercepted some strange looks between her parents, and she had no idea what they'd said to Sheldon.

She had deliberately given her parents time to get to know him, while she had gone out shopping for a special dress with Bernie, Amy and Alex for the post-graduation party. When she returned, laden with shopping bags, her dad had made a point to take her aside.

"He's a good man, Penny," Wyatt said seriously. "A little odd, but a good man and one who believes in you, which counts for a lot in my book."

Walking across the platform to receive her diploma had been one of the proudest moments of Penny's life. It was also a little surreal. She grinned and waved toward her own little cheering section (which was mostly her dad). But the best part was afterward, when the ceremony was over. Her dad found her first and gave her a big bear hug before leading her over to the little spot on the lawn where Sheldon, her mom and all her friends were waiting. As soon as she got close, Sheldon pulled her into his arms and kissed her, long enough that when he finally released her, she was blushing and a little weak in the knees. As she looked over at her friends, Leonard and Alex, Bernie and Howard, and Raj, they were all staring open-mouthed.

"Congratulations, Penny. I am so very proud of you," he whispered in her ear. His arm was around her waist as if he didn't ever have any intention of letting her go. Then he glanced up at the gang's astonished faces.

"What?" he asked innocently, but there was a smirk lifting the corners of his mouth as he said it. "Haven't any of you ever seen a man kiss the love of his life?"


	23. Chapter 23

Christmas in Texas was a little odd. Penny was used to much colder temperatures, and maybe the chance of snow flurries. With the temperature hovering in the fifties during the day, she hardly even felt the need to wear a coat. She laughed at Sheldon when she saw him bundled up in a thick down parka, gloves and hat.

His family had been wonderful. She loved Meemaw the moment they were introduced. Meemaw had been a school teacher and had gotten a bachelor's degree in a time when it was unusual for a woman to do so. She had always encouraged Sheldon's pursuit of learning, but she was also the most gentle, patient and kind woman Penny had ever met. Penny had also met George Jr., who was a mechanic for an oil company. George had immediately started joking with her like they had known each other for years. Apart from his height and coloring, it was hard to believe that he and Sheldon were related.

Since Penny and Sheldon had taken a train to Texas, they had a couple of days to themselves, arriving at his mother's home just two days before Christmas. Penny was starting to feel nervous. Both Mary and Missy Cooper had been absolutely indispensable to her plans, and everything was now in place, everything except that last, most crucial piece. She was beginning to second-guess herself. What if Sheldon didn't like her idea? What if he freaked out or ran away? Well, it was too late to back out now, she told herself sternly.

They had just come back from Christmas Eve services at Mary's church. Penny thought Sheldon looked particularly handsome in his new pinstriped suit, with the cobalt blue shirt she picked out for him. Her own dress was holly-green velvet which draped caressingly over her figure and picked out the green highlights in her hazel eyes. She suppressed nervous flutters as she exchanged meaningful glances with Meemaw, Missy and Mary. Penny took Sheldon's hand. "Will you come outside with me for a minute?" she asked.

"It's rather chilly," he objected.

"Please? It's important," she pleaded, and he gave in.

They sat down on the old porch swing, breath fogging white in the cold air, and he watched her curiously as she tried to find the right words to say.

"Do you remember when we had that big fight over those pills you took when we first started dating?" she asked softly.

"Of course I do, although I prefer not to dwell on our early mishaps," Sheldon replied.

"Well, that was when we decided to agree on a time frame in which to deal with our issues. I've been thinking about that lately, and-"

"I've been thinking about that, too," he interrupted, rather loudly. "Perhaps we were too hasty in placing arbitrary time constraints upon our romantic endeavors."

Her face fell. Although he still wasn't skilled at reading facial expressions, he could tell she was disappointed. "Are you saying we're moving too fast?" she whispered.

"Not at all, but I have come to the conclusion that if I truly love you then I must value your needs over my own. This is not something which comes easily to me, but... I release you from your promise. Much as I would feel more secure with a legally binding contract which formalizes our arrangement, I have decided to forego that certainty."

Sheldon watched as she seemed to struggle to come to terms with his announcement. Curious, he thought, wasn't this what she wanted? He had fought hard to overcome his feelings of possessiveness and his need to have everything in his life neatly categorized and precisely ordered. In fact, he was starting to feel irritated now. He had made what he felt was a huge sacrifice for her, so why did she look so unhappy?

Penny twisted her hands in her lap. "I have something I need to tell you. I've been planning this for months. You see, um... your mom's pastor is waiting for us over at Meemaw's house. He's prepared to marry us in a religious ceremony, tonight, with all your family here. Then we'll go visit my parents and have the actual wedding in Omaha. All our friends are waiting to fly out and join us as soon as I say the word."

For perhaps the first time in his life, Sheldon was speechless. Then he jumped up and began pacing. "No, no, no, this is all wrong," he cried.

Penny watched him, tears welling up in her eyes. "I... I'm sorry. I know you hate surprises. It was a bad idea. I guess I'm not done making huge messes out of my relationships," she said brokenly. She got up slowly from the swing and walked toward the porch door.

"Wait, where are you going?" he cried in confusion.

"I have to tell them to cancel..." Her voice cracked, and she swiped at her eyes. "Dammit, I can't believe I'm crying over this. I guess now I know how Leonard felt when I turned him down."

In four long strides, Sheldon was standing in front of her. He leaned down and kissed her, tasting the salt of tears on her lips. Inwardly, he cursed himself for his poor handling of the situation. This was a far cry from the person he had been a year ago who wouldn't have cared at all if he had hurt Penny's feelings. When he felt some of the tension leave her body, he grasped her hands in both of his and sank to his knees.

"It's all wrong because I'm old-fashioned enough to believe the gentleman ought to propose to his lady, not the other way 'round," he said, his Texan accent becoming more pronounced in the heat of his emotion.

Her eyes widened, and a slow smile began to spread across her face.

He took a deep breath, trying to marshal his thoughts. "From the moment you called me a beautiful mind genius, something began to change in me. I didn't know what it was. I didn't even have a name for it. But I was beginning to experience happiness, perhaps the first time I had ever experience true happiness. You were the first non-relative that I had ever met who truly cared about me, with no ulterior motives. You worked your way into my heart when I didn't even want to admit to having any feelings for anyone. You challenge me, and you complete me. I'm not sure how you were able to see past all my quirks and peculiarities. You've made me humble enough that I can now say I'm not sure why you love me. All I can say is that I love you with everything I have and everything I am, and I want to spend the rest of my life with you. Penny, will you please do me the very great honor of becoming my wife?"

She was crying again, this time tears of joy. She nodded, beaming, and tugged on his hand.

"Yes," she whispered. "Now come up here so I can kiss you properly."

Ten minutes later, Sheldon and Penny walked back into his mother's living room hand in hand. Mary took one look at the blissful looks on their faces and starting praising Jesus in a loud voice. Missy clapped a hand over her mouth and looked like she was about to cry herself.

"Mother, if you can stop praying for one moment, I have something important to tell all of you," Sheldon said sternly, although he couldn't stop smiling. "Penny has just agreed to marry me. I understand that you may have heard rumors of our engagement before now, but obviously those rumors were premature. Now, if we hurry, I believe we may set some kind of new record for the shortest engagement... at least for this county."

Instead of hurrying, his family crowded around them. Missy squealed as she hugged Penny, and Meemaw welcomed her into the family with a gentle embrace. George Jr. punched Sheldon lightly on the arm and ruffled his hair, which was apparently a rare sign of approval. Penny saw Mary pull Sheldon aside for a moment and ask him something. From the spots of color that appeared high on his cheeks, she guessed that his mother was asking something to the effect of whether they were "living in sin". Missy overheard, and protested loudly, "Mo-ther!"

Penny made her way over to Sheldon's side. "How about we go on over to Meemaw's house and settle that issue for good?" she said to Mary, too full of joy to take offense at her future mother-in-law's nosiness.

They all piled into their respective cars for the short ride over to Meemaw's house. In Penny's car, Sheldon asked, "Did you overhear what my Mommy was asking me?"

"No, but I could guess from the way you were blushing. She wanted to know if we were living in sin or something like that, right?" she answered.

"Yes," he said quietly. "Why didn't you want her to know that we haven't...?"

"I don't think it's any of her business," she said, quietly but decisively. "There were some parts of life that until recently, you weren't ready to deal with. That made it easy for your mother think of you as a child and treat you like one. She has to understand that time of your life is over. It's time for both you and her to start interacting with each other as adults."

Sheldon mulled that over for a moment. "I'm not sure I know how to do that," he confessed.

"Well, for starters, you should keep personal details like that between the two of us. Oh, and it would be really nice if you could start calling her Mom instead of Mommy."

He nodded. "I suppose the occasion of one's wedding does call for an alteration in the parent-child relationship paradigm."

There was silence for a moment, then Sheldon said, "There's one point on which I would still like clarification. How is it that you are willing to commit to me in a matrimonial ceremony in front of my family, regardless of its legality, when we have not yet had intercourse?"

Penny winced a little at that last word. Although she had convinced him to stop saying coitus, his replacement term was hardly an improvement. Still, she answered him gently, realizing that his defaulting to large vocabulary words was a sure sign he was nervous.

"First of all, and most importantly, I love you," she said, reaching over and holding his hand. "Being with you has taught me that the most important part of a relationship is love, not sex. With what's happened between us so far, I know that when you're ready, the two of us are gonna be amazing together. Second, I've noticed something. I don't think you're doing it intentionally, but every time I've taken a step of commitment, you've taken a step forward in intimacy. I hope that once I've committed fully to you, that it will allow you to trust me the same way. But even if you still need time, I know that it will happen someday, and I'm willing to wait for you."

Sheldon took a deep breath and squeezed her hand. "Penny, I still feel nervous, but I believe that my desire to reciprocate is stronger than my reservations about intimacy. Besides, you didn't leave me any time to shop for a wedding present for you," he added with a straight face.

She glanced over at him in surprise. "Was that a joke?"

"Bazinga!" he said happily as she parked in the driveway of Meemaw's farmhouse.

She leaned over and kissed him until he started to feel flushed. "That's to tide you over until later," she whispered.


	24. Chapter 24

When Sheldon stepped through the door of his Meemaw's house, he discovered the extent of the planning that had gone into this crazy surprise wedding. Most of the furniture had been moved from the living room, creating an open space. Flowers and gauzy lengths of sheer white material suspended from a central point in the ceiling transformed the room into a wedding chapel. He saw the rest of his family already waiting inside, and when he entered, George Jr. began clapping and whistling. Meemaw hurried to greet him. She reached up to hug him (he had been towering over her since he was eleven) and whispered in his ear, "I'm so happy for you, Moonpie."

He recognized his mother's pastor, Bible in hand, chatting with Missy. Penny had told him it was part of her compromise to get his mother's cooperation, that they be married by Pastor Stevens. Far from minding, in a weird way, Sheldon almost found it appropriate. The southern Baptist minister fit in with Texas, his traditional roots, and his fond-but-somewhat-overbearing family.

Soon, Missy stole Penny away, the two of them whispering conspiratorially. He supposed they were going to get ready for the ceremony. Meanwhile, George Jr. clapped Sheldon on the back with a hearty blow, and Sheldon tried not to wince.

"Man, you are one lucky dog, you know that?" his brother asked. "You know how much that woman loves you? Come take a look."

He led Sheldon into Meemaw's library. Hanging off one of the bookshelves was a garment bag. Sheldon unzipped it and examined the suit inside.

"It's my tuxedo, the one I had special ordered for Leonard and Alex's wedding!" Sheldon exclaimed happily.

"Your little lady had that penguin suit shipped from California two weeks ago, insured for more than my car is worth. She told Mom she knew you'd want to dress for the occasion, and that you wouldn't be happy in a rented tux." He paused and looked Sheldon straight in the eye. "I hope you realize how much work she did, and all for you... having the wedding here at Meemaw's house with your family, convincing all your friends to fly out to Nebraska for New Year's. If you are ever fool enough to hurt that woman, I'll have you know I will personally come out to that god-forsaken state of California and beat some sense into you," George said with a grin that belied his serious tone.

"That won't be necessary. I love her, and there will never be anyone else for me," Sheldon said quietly.

George clapped him on the shoulder again. "Comin' from you, Sheldon, that's like a whole book o' love poems. Now I'm gonna leave you so you can get dressed."

Sheldon adjusted his tuxedo carefully, aware of a keen desire to look as presentable as possible for Penny. He'd heard that many men experienced last-minute second thoughts before their wedding, the so-called wedding jitters. Maybe it was because of the unconventionality of the whole arrangement, but all he could feel was excitement combined with gratitude and love for Penny. George knocked on the door a few minutes later, and he was also wearing a suit.

"This is the weirdest wedding I've ever heard of," George said, tugging at his tie. "I guess that makes it perfect for you, little brother. But, uh... I know you don't have your friends here tonight, so if you want, I could stand next to you. You know, like a best man, sort of..." He trailed off uncomfortably.

"I would be honored," Sheldon replied solemnly, and George grinned and punched him (lightly this time) on the shoulder. The two of them walked back into the living room. Pastor Stevens and his mother were waiting there, and Meemaw was ensconced in a comfortably padded armchair. At some signal Sheldon didn't notice, Missy entered the room, sashaying up to where Sheldon and George stood waiting by the pastor. She had changed into a flowing dress in a pale shade somewhere between blue and green. When she reached Sheldon, she gave him a quick hug and whispered, "I'm so happy for you," in his ear before stepping aside.

Then Penny entered, and as soon as Sheldon saw her, it seemed that his vision tunneled down until all he could see was her. She was radiant, smiling softly, with her hair tumbling down around her shoulders in loose curls. Her ivory-colored dress, which Missy's must have been modeled after, flowed from one shoulder and skimmed her figure in a way that made him think of a waterfall. As she approached, Meemaw rose from her armchair in the traditional manner, but then in a very unconventional fashion, hugged the bride and kissed her on the cheek.

Pastor Stephens read a short passage about marriage; at least, that's what Sheldon assumed he was talking about. He was too busy gazing into Penny's eyes and grinning like a mooncalf. For all he knew, the minister could have been defending loop quantum gravity theory. When the pastor started reading the part with the wedding vows, Sheldon only realized that he was supposed to say something when George elbowed him in the ribs. He repeated the words as prompted, wishing there was some way he could let Penny know how truly he meant every word. For the first time in his life, Sheldon experienced a moment in time that felt truly sacred. Penny recited her vows in a strong, clear voice, but a couple of tears slipped down her cheeks by the time she was finished.

Then Missy handed Penny the ring she had picked out for Sheldon. Some corner of his mind was surprised to note that instead of a traditional metal, it was made out of tungsten carbide. The effect was a solid, matte black ring which Sheldon really liked. George handed him a matching ring for Penny, this one more delicate with beveled edges. Sheldon slid it on Penny's finger, suddenly wishing the pastor would hurry up and get to the part where he could kiss his bride. Fortunately, that part was next. George wolf-whistled as the kiss went on for far longer than he had expected from his prim and proper little brother, and when the newlyweds broke apart, they were both a little pink.

Pastor Stephens wished them well and presented them with a marriage certificate with their names written out in calligraphy. Penny was clearly thrilled by it, saying they should have something besides just memories to remember their real wedding day. Sheldon wanted to tease her, to tell her he would give her something else to make the day memorable, but the words wouldn't make it past his lips. For far too long, sex had been a barrier, not something to be taken lightly. But he smiled at her when she took his arm, and maybe some of what he'd been thinking showed on his face because she leaned close and whispered into his ear, "Later."

There was food set out, and Penny was amused to see that Mary had included spaghetti with cut-up hot dogs for her son and Meemaw had brought a plate heaped high with her famous cookies. But Sheldon was too anxious to eat anything, a feeling part nervousness and part anticipation. After a while, his Meemaw said with suppressed laughter in her voice, "Say good night and let the newlyweds leave, Mary. Clearly, it's not food they're hungry for."

After enduring some more good-natured teasing from his siblings and being hugged by all the women in his family at least twice, Sheldon and Penny were out the door. Penny grabbed Sheldon's hand and tugged him toward her car. "Quick, let's get out of here before they think of some other reason we should stay," she said, laughing.

They had driven for a few miles when Sheldon suddenly realized he had no idea where they were going.

Penny grinned at him. "I thought about going to a hotel, but it seemed so... impersonal. I wanted our wedding night to be special. Your uncle has a cabin that we can use for as long as we're here."

"But... that cabin's full of spiders... and mice!" Sheldon cried in horror.

Penny laughed a little at the expression on his face, but then she smiled and squeezed his hand. "He fixed it up a few years ago, and Missy's gone in and made it all pretty. That was her gift to us. She send me some pictures, and it looks great." She glanced over at her husband (and just thinking of him like that gave her a thrill). "Don't worry, honey. Everything will be perfect, even if everything isn't perfect."

He must have gained some kind of perspective or insight into the female mind over that past several months, because he understood exactly what she meant.

There was a fire crackling merrily in the hearth when they arrived, evidence of some secret conspirator (in reality, probably one of his cousins) who was gone before they got there. Penny looked around at the generously sized kitchen, the bathroom—just one, but recently remodeled—and the bedrooms. One was clearly the master bedroom. A king-sized bed dominated the room. Snowy white sheets, still showing creases from the packaging (Penny thought that was deliberately left that way, so Sheldon would know they were new) decorated the bed, and someone had used red rose petals to outline a large heart in the middle of the bed.

"Honey, come look at this!" Penny cried, and Sheldon humored her.

"It's very... romantic?" he guessed, looking at the bed.

Penny laughed and rolled her eyes as she pecked him on the cheek. "Some things never change. Yes, whackadoodle, it's romantic."

He stared at the flower petals long enough to make Penny wonder if he thought they harbored some sort of rose germs. Then, with a murmured "excuse me", he turned and walked back into the living room. Penny followed and found him staring into the fire, hands clasped behind his back. She sat down on the sofa and patted the cushion beside her.

"Come sit with me, sweetie," she said invitingly. He did so, and she tucked her feet up under her as she leaned against him, her hand resting in the crook of his arm. They sat in silence for a long time, watching the flames. Sheldon was trying to calm the whirlwind of thoughts going around inside his head. Many of them were downright lascivious, and others were anxious. Penny was so still he would have wondered if she was asleep if not for the fact that he could see her eyes were still open.

"What are you thinking about?" he asked her curiously.

She shifted so she could look up into his face. "I'm trying to live in the moment. I want to remember this for the rest of my life as a perfectly happy moment."

"Are you perfectly happy?" he asked.

Penny kissed him and then stood up, not answering his question. "I'm going to go get changed for bed. Wait right there," she said. She emerged a few minutes later from the bedroom. When Sheldon saw her, he sat straight upright and stared, for once speechless. She was wearing a long ivory-colored negligee that gleamed in the firelight. It was held up by the thinnest of straps and had a plunging neckline. She pirouetted, lifting her arms so he could see the inset lace panels that ran the length of the gown along both sides.

"For the guy who likes to peek," she commented mischievously. She held out a hand to him. "Come to bed with me?"

Mesmerized, he followed her into the bedroom, which was now lit by the soft glow of several candles. She carefully slid his jacket off of his shoulders and draped it over a chair. As she undid his tie, his brain belatedly reminded him that he tell her how beautiful she looked. When he did so, she beamed and kissed him again.

"There's something I've been wanting to do for a long time," she said in a low murmur as she unbuttoned his shirt. Sheldon was making this task more difficult than it needed to be as he was tracing the edge of her gown with his fingertips.

"What... what is it?" he asked.

"Every time we've been together the last few weeks, you've made me come, but you didn't want me to touch you. I want to show you how you make me feel. Will you let me do that for you?"

He nodded, not trusting his voice as Penny undid his fly and let his dress pants fall to the ground. Her mouth curved into a Cheshire cat smile when she saw what he was wearing underneath: black silk boxers instead of his usual white briefs. Following her gaze, he blushed slightly. "I found these underneath my tuxedo with a note from Missy threatening dire things if I didn't wear them."

"I'll have to send her a thank you note," Penny said with a wicked grin. She kissed him again, and he felt his body respond enthusiastically to the slippery slide of her satin-clad body against his bare chest. He started to push one of the straps off of her shoulder, but she stopped him and pushed him back onto the bed.

"Your turn first," she said. She curled up next to him, kissing her way down his throat and lingering over the sensitive pulse points. Sheldon couldn't help the moan that forced its way out of his throat when she did so. Then, she began stroking her way up the inside of his thigh until her hand brushed his shaft, and he gasped. She took him in a firmer grip, and his hips bucked involuntarily.

"Penny," he begged, not knowing how to tell her what he wanted. But she already knew, and she began kissing and nibbling a line down his torso, lower and lower until she nudged open his fly. With a murmur of appreciation for the sight before her, she licked all the way up the length of his cock. Sheldon balled the sheets up in his fists as words he knew but had never said before flew from his mouth. She enveloped him with her mouth, taking in his full length until he could feel the tip push against the back of her throat. Then she withdrew and began doing things with her tongue that ought to be illegal in most states. Sheldon felt like he was going to explode. As he raised his head, the sight of her working over him with her long hair hanging down around her face like a curtain sent him over the edge. He cried out her name in a strangled voice as his orgasm swept through his in waves. She released him slowly, licking the last drops from his length before she scooted up to cuddle with him. Somehow, she had known exactly what he wanted. All he could do was to hold her and stroke her hair and tell her how much he loved her.

After letting his mind drift for a few minutes in a dreamy post-orgasmic haze, he realized that she was waiting patiently beside him. In fact, she had been doing just that for months, never pushing, always giving him the space he needed while encouraging him and believing in him.

"Junior was right," he whispered to himself, using his brother's old nickname.

Penny shifted so she could look questioningly up at him.

"He told me I was lucky to have you. I think that doesn't begin to describe it. I feel like I could spend the rest of my life trying to reciprocate everything you've given me." He paused, feeling the last flutters of nervousness dissolve. "Penny, will you show me how to make love to you?"

She beamed. "I thought you'd never ask," she murmured as she drew his head down to kiss him. He drew her silky lingerie down past her shoulders, then her waist, and then completely off as he explored every inch of her body in a way he had never dared before. When he reached the juncture of her thighs, he began to stroke her the way he knew she liked. She was more than ready for him, and she moaned and writhed impatiently.

"Come here," she begged, urging him closer. "I want to feel you inside of me." He kissed her neck as he positioned himself between her legs and slowly pushed his way inside her. He felt her inner muscles tighten around him and she cried out, wrapping her legs around his waist to draw him in further. He quickly realized that Penny had known exactly what she was doing by making him climax just a few minutes before. It was the only thing which allowed him to hold off on a second orgasm until Penny's cries rose to a fever pitch. She clung to him tightly as the tremors swept through her body, triggering his own release.

As his bride cuddled up close to him in drowsy satiety, Sheldon reflected that with the right person and at the right moment, the sex act which he had once dreaded was now something he could only describe as beautiful.


	25. Chapter 25

Neither of them got much sleep that night. Although Sheldon had become used to sharing a bed with Penny, this was a totally different experience. Every time one of them moved, it seemed, someone would wake up. At first, there would be sleepy kisses and drowsy cuddling, but things soon got more passionate. Sheldon found he couldn't regret in the least the loss of sleep or the interruption of his REM cycle.

They slept in much later than Sheldon was accustomed, finally managing to get showered and dressed by mid-morning. Sheldon's mother had given them a one-time pass to miss Christmas morning services, but had made them promise to show up at the house at noon sharp to have Christmas dinner and open presents. Sheldon's siblings may have made some rather immature comments about the dark circles under the eyes of both newlyweds, but other than that, they had a great time together.

Over the next few days, Penny and Sheldon spent their days at the cabin. Then they would head over to Mary's house for dinner and slip away back to their private sanctuary as soon as they could politely take their leave. Penny found that she had more in common with her new mother-in-law than she thought, and she took a sadistic glee in swapping "Sheldon-handling" stories with her.

When it was finally time for Penny and Sheldon to head to Nebraska, they took their leave of the little cabin reluctantly.

"Do you think we can come back here someday?" Penny asked plaintively as Sheldon closed the door.

"If that's what you want, I will make it happen," Sheldon replied seriously.

They boarded a train for Omaha, and at the end of their journey, they found Amy waiting to meet them at the station. She squealed when she saw Penny and rushed to hug her.

"Bestie, you look radiant! Exactly as a bride ought to look!" Amy gushed. Then she turned to Sheldon, and her arms fell to her sides as she smiled at him a little awkwardly.

"Hello, Sheldon. I can't believe you're married now... sort of," she said.

"As far as I am concerned, I am. I have learned that there are things that are more binding than legal documents," he replied. His expression was serious, but the way he looked at Penny was so full of love that it took Amy's breath away.

"Congratulations," Amy said dutifully. "I would hug you too, but... you know..." Her voice trailed off uncertainly, and she looked away.

Penny immediately sized up the situation. "Sweetie, would you excuse us for a minute?" she asked. Not giving Sheldon the chance to respond, she linked her arm through Amy's and pulled her toward a bench in a quieter corner of the station.

"I can tell what's going on in your head," Penny said gently.

"You can?" Amy asked nervously.

"Yeah. You've got a new boyfriend. You've moved on, and you're happier for it. But seeing Sheldon still brings back all those old feelings you used to have for him."

Amy nodded unhappily.

"You never forget your first love," Penny quoted softly. "It's all right, Ames. It happens to everyone, and I'm not upset about it. It's like they say about being in love with love. The feelings remain even if the relationship wasn't right. Because of that, I'm actually surprised you wanted to be the one to meet us here at the station."

Amy gave her a weak smile. "We drew straws, but I cheated. I wanted to be the first to see you after your romantic surprise wedding."

Penny chuckled. "Amy, you're one in a million," she quipped.

As the girls rejoined Sheldon, he cleared his throat apprehensively. "I have something I wish to say to you, Amy. I was not a very good boyfriend to you while we were dating. I did not always behave in the most mature fashion. I never meant to hurt you." It was much closer to a genuine apology than most people could ever elicit from him.

"It's okay," Amy said, giving him a tentative smile. "Come on, everyone's waiting for us."

When they arrived at Penny's parent's farm house, they found the rest of their friends gathered around the old wooden kitchen table, while Penny's mother bustled around, making sure everyone had plenty to eat and drink.

Leonard startled Sheldon by hugging him as he looked a little misty-eyed. "I never thought I'd see this day, buddy. I'm happy for you... and really proud of you," he said.

Alex approached him next. Smiling shyly, she said that he seemed more relaxed than she had ever seen and that marriage must agree with him. Raj, of course, couldn't stop talking about how "dreamy" he found their elopement and how excited he was to help plan their official wedding. Penny grinned at him and hoped that he hadn't been given free rein on the decorations. As Bernie hugged Penny, she remarked ruefully that at least Penny would never have to deal with the idea of living under the same roof as her mother-in-law. Penny laughed at that.

"When I first met Mary, she was a bit much, but I've actually found we get along pretty well... not that it's killing me to be living in a different state from my mother-in-law," she added in a whisper.

Across the room, Penny could see Howard talking earnestly to Sheldon. She couldn't tell exactly what Howard was saying, but if the deep red color suffusing Sheldon's face was any indication, it must have been something pretty racy. (Sheldon later admitted that Howard had been giving him unwanted "advice" about the honeymoon.) Sheldon finally got his engineer friend to shut up by saying that he and Penny were getting along just fine on their own.

The official wedding ceremony was three days hence, since blood tests were required. Penny's mom and older sister had been taking care of most of the details, planning a simple church wedding with a reception to follow at the local lodge. The days flew by in a whirlwind of last-minute details. Penny had asked Bernie, Amy and Alex to be her bridesmaids. (Penny's sister Leann had been excused on account of being seven months pregnant and, as she said, unable to find any dress that wouldn't look like a tent on her.) Penny had let her friends choose their own dresses, simply telling them to wear gold since the wedding fell on New Year's Day. Penny fought to hide her smile when she saw the dress Amy picked out. It was a frothy, tiered confection that reminded Penny of a Christmas Barbie doll she'd had as a kid.

On the morning of the big day, Penny's mother helped her get dressed and had a last word for her before the wedding. "I know your father was always partial to Leonard," she said as she adjusted Penny's hemline and secured her hair with a few more bobby pins. "But I want you to know that we both think Sheldon is a good man. Anyone who's in the same room with the two of you for more than a minute can tell how much he adores you. We just want you to be happy, Penny."

Penny blinked furiously, trying not to ruin her makeup, as she gingerly hugged her mother and promised her that she was very happy.

Wyatt was waiting in the tiny vestibule behind the sanctuary for his daughter. When he saw her in her wedding gown, he beamed proudly. "You remind me so much of your mother," he said before kissing her cheek and escorting her down the aisle. At the front of the chapel, he broke tradition by shaking Sheldon's hand before turning his daughter over to the groom. Penny felt her heart swell with happiness as she took in all of their friends: Leonard, Raj and Howard next to Sheldon as groomsmen, and Amy, Bernie and Alex there as her bridesmaids. (Bernie had graciously conceded the position of maid of honor to Amy, saying that a married woman shouldn't hold that honor.) Throughout the ceremony, Amy kept leaning out of line to wave excitedly to Dan, who was sitting in the audience. Penny hardly noticed. She couldn't tear her eyes from the sight of the tall, handsome man whose gaze met hers with ardent intensity as he pledged his life and love to her.

As the pastor pronounced them man and wife, Sheldon was already leaning down to her before the words were quite out of the officiant's mouth.

"Forever," he whispered against her lips, and she knew it was true as she kissed him back, trying to express all the happiness that was in her heart.


End file.
